Friday, March 16, 2012

My Hunger Game

Today, I didn’t eat any candy.  I didn’t drink any wine, or had too much coffee.  I also drank at least eight glasses of water like you’re supposed to.  Why, you ask?  It’s St. Patrick’s weekend and Easter’s coming up, which means that heavenly treats like minty milkshakes and cheap chocolate are around every corner.  Am I crazy?

No.  I am on the Master Cleanse.

It sounds serious, and it is.  I’m definitely not smiling about it.

It all started when my crackpot husband decided that he was going to be positively smashing and skinny.  What better way to do this than a ten-day fast? 

As his wife, and someone who enjoys a good crazy challenge, I opted in.  After all, who better to cheer him on in suffering than his beloved co-crackpot?

The Master Cleanse is a detox-diet-fast where you drink a special drink that magically scrubs your colon cleaner than my countertop on Disinfecting Day.  It contains lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water.  There are some other details about the cleanse that I will leave to your imagination.  We are talking about the colon, which is on the back end of things, after all.

You emerge from The Master Cleanse feeling healthy and light, looking radiant and strong, and ready to take on the world.

I’m hoping.

I’ve never fasted for anything for any length of time.  Not even during Lent.  I’ve tried, but I always ended up feeling weak for giving into my basic desires and guilty for dissing God by not being able to give anything up for him for a measly 40 days.  The worst was when I gave up wine for Lent and drank vodka instead. 

There is a book that you read when you embark on the Master Cleanse, because if you’re a normal human being you eat, and when you’re on this diet you don’t.  At all.  This requires education beyond the normal starve-myself-for-a-week-before-vacation diet we all do.  Okay, the one that I do.

The Master Cleanse book says that you get all the vitamins and minerals you need from the drink you drink, and if done properly you can stay on it for any length of time with no adverse health effects.  Despite the health benefits of The Master Cleanse, it just sounds crazy and most people are against it.  The book even advises against telling other people that you’re on it, because people who haven’t already drunk the Kool-Aid will only discourage you.  So naturally you’re reading about it here.

Some people stay on it for 40 days, or 90 days, or 372 days.  These people are out of my level of crackpottedness which is measured by only 10 days, and I judge them.  Clearly, they just don’t like to eat.

But I do, and I’m hungry.  And, by the way, I’m only on Day 2.

This is going to be a long 10 days.



8 comments:

  1. There has to be a healthier way to fast and cleanse than syrup, cayenne and lemon juice for 10 days. That just sounds dangerous, if you go that long without eating your body will start eating your muscles. But then again, what do I know? I'm no Beyonce!

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    1. Thanks for the concern. Believe me, it's not exactly an intuitive concoction. We've done our research and talked to others who have done it with no adverse effects. Your Beyonce comment made me giggle. :)

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  2. I've thought about trying a cleanse...I've heard about a couple different ones...maybe I'll wait and see if you are alive in 10 days, and consider trying it too!! ;) Have fun!!

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    1. So far, so good... we're still alive. It's not as bad as you think, and definitely do it with someone else in your household. I don't think I could do it on my own.

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  3. In case you want a little reading to go along with your fast:
    http://www.amazon.com/Starvation-Heights-Murder-Pacific-Northwest/dp/1400097460

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    1. That sounds like a book I'd love to read. It's on my reading list - thanks! And this afternoon I'm gonna go bury all my good jewelry.

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  4. Wowza- my sister in law and her husband do this on occasion and love it. I'm not sure I could pull it off right now in my life. I'm curious to try...

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    1. It's definitely a cooperative thing. I'd never have the stamina to do it on my own. Amazingly, I feel great on Day 7, but man - I can't wait to eat something. Anything.

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