No. I am on the Master Cleanse.
It sounds serious, and it is. I’m definitely not smiling about it.
It all started when my crackpot husband decided that he was going to be positively smashing and skinny. What better way to do this than a ten-day fast?
As his wife, and someone who enjoys a good crazy challenge, I opted in. After all, who better to cheer him on in suffering than his beloved co-crackpot?
The Master Cleanse is a detox-diet-fast where you drink a special drink that magically scrubs your colon cleaner than my countertop on Disinfecting Day. It contains lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. There are some other details about the cleanse that I will leave to your imagination. We are talking about the colon, which is on the back end of things, after all.
You emerge from The Master Cleanse feeling healthy and light, looking radiant and strong, and ready to take on the world.
I’ve never fasted for anything for any length of time. Not even during Lent. I’ve tried, but I always ended up feeling weak for giving into my basic desires and guilty for dissing God by not being able to give anything up for him for a measly 40 days. The worst was when I gave up wine for Lent and drank vodka instead.
There is a book that you read when you embark on the Master Cleanse, because if you’re a normal human being you eat, and when you’re on this diet you don’t. At all. This requires education beyond the normal starve-myself-for-a-week-before-vacation diet we all do. Okay, the one that I do.
The Master Cleanse book says that you get all the vitamins and minerals you need from the drink you drink, and if done properly you can stay on it for any length of time with no adverse health effects. Despite the health benefits of The Master Cleanse, it just sounds crazy and most people are against it. The book even advises against telling other people that you’re on it, because people who haven’t already drunk the Kool-Aid will only discourage you. So naturally you’re reading about it here.
Some people stay on it for 40 days, or 90 days, or 372 days. These people are out of my level of crackpottedness which is measured by only 10 days, and I judge them. Clearly, they just don’t like to eat.
But I do, and I’m hungry. And, by the way, I’m only on Day 2.
This is going to be a long 10 days.