10. “We didn’t mean to have them” – Parents who give this reason are living in the moment. Not seeing the future clearly, they go about their dirty business under the assumption that it won’t happen to them. And then it does. Two or three or six “oopsies” later, and Mommy’s sitting on the couch at ten in the morning with a glass of wine in one hand and Junior’s Adderall in the other.
9. “We planned to have our children by the time we turned forty, with three years between them and a hefty stock portfolio for each by the time they turn twenty-one. We set up college funds for them as soon as we were married” – These parents end up having high-performing kids whose pictures you see in the paper. For bank robbery, maybe arson.
8. “It was the next step” – As if having children was a task that can be ticked off on a list. College: check. Career: check. Marriage: check. House: check. Children: check. Watching your sanity and sense of self slowly slip away into the dark abyss of parenthood: Check and double check.
7. “My parents wanted grandchildren” – To me, this is the worst reason to have kids. Your parents want a grandchild? Save your money and bribe your siblings to go first. No siblings? Move back in with your parents and remind them of your teenage years. Don’t offer to help out, and leave dirty dishes lying around. Stay out all night and accuse them of cramping your style when you and your husband have friends over for keg parties.
6. “All my friends are having kids” – Although it’s nice to have friends who have kids your kids’ ages, there’s no guarantee that your kids will be friends. What’s worse, you may find that your friends are terrible parents who created monstrous children.
5. “We have so much love to give” – Don’t we all? Check back with me later when you’re up at three in the morning with a restless infant for the twelfth night in a row while your husband snores peacefully in bed. Pretend for a moment that you didn’t consider any of the following: a. Smothering your husband with his pillow, b. Jumping out the window with the baby, c. placing the baby in his or her crib and driving off into the night in your pajamas.
4. “We wanted to create a legacy” – Now you’re just cheating. Did you read all the parenting books ahead of time?
3. “I couldn’t wait to see what the combination of me and my husband would look like” – Vain much? Hope you get a pretty baby and not one of those ugly ones. OMG I’m just kidding. Yep. Totally. Kidding.
2. “We wanted to give the next generation what we didn’t have” – Great if you grew up on the streets and are now a billionaire. Not so great if your parents were royalty and you joined a rebel militia.
And now, the number one reason why people have kids, and the main reason why my husband and I had them:
1. “So we’d have someone to do our chores” – Man, having kids is the best. Ever.