Monday, September 10, 2012

10 Ways I Drive My Husband Bonkers

My husband and I have been together for one hundred and ninety seven years. 

Not quite, but close.

Anybody who’s anybody who’s lived with another human being knows that when you spend a lot of time with another person and you know them inside and out and backwards and forwards, some things get easier. 

Like knowing what kind of beer he likes and how he likes his underwear folded and that he can only be around your one friend who wears that one shirt all the time for about an hour before he starts to twitch.

What is wonderful about being in a committed relationship is that one other person knows you almost as well as you know yourself.

It can also be a bad thing, if your partner likes to use what she knows about you against you.  Or if your partner is a little bit unstable or more likely just thinks she's hilarious.

My husband is the straight guy in our relationship.  He is to the point and diplomatic, easy-going, friendly, and confident.  He is gracious and smart, smiles a lot, and never talks badly about anybody.  Ever.  He’s usually right and does well at nearly everything he tries.  He refuses to lose an argument and will argue any point well.  He wins every game he plays.  He’s not mean about it.  Almost every person he meets falls in love with him immediately.  It’s like freaking Everybody Loves Keith around here.

Because he is everyone’s favorite and does everything perfectly, it can be little hard to live with him if you’re a repeat offender like me who constantly seems to be getting into trouble and screwing up daily tasks. 

So even though he would never say so, I drive him crazy.  Most of the time it’s not even on purpose, but sometimes I totally retaliate.  I’m not proud.  I think I might be here on earth to make sure he doesn’t get a big head.  Here are ten ways I drive my husband bonkers:

1.  When he borrows my stapler and then sighs in disgust, I ask him what’s wrong and then I do a little singsong “Ha, Ha” when he says there was only one staple in it.

2.  When I’m out, I leave messages for him asking if he wants me to pick anything up for him.  Then I leave my phone in the car when I’m shopping.  Then I forget that I called him in the first place and don’t check the messages.  And then I come home and find out that he needed one thing that I totally could have picked up for him.

3.  If I’m out running errands and he calls me to pick something up, I will agree, and then come home having forgotten to get what he asked for.

4.  When I get money from the bank, I take some and give him some.  I always take more than I give him.  When we are shopping together, I ask him to pay.

5.  I have only mowed our lawn three times.  If he can’t mow because he’s too busy, I let it grow into a jungle and save the task for him even if I’m not busy at all.  I call lawn mowing “Man’s Work,” just like lightbulb-changing, bug squishing, wood hauling, and grill cleaning.

6.  I never put his clean laundry away.  I pile it on the floor near the bed, even if he’s away.

7.  I play Devil’s Advocate when he confides in me about an issue he has with someone else, even if the other person is clearly wrong.

8.  If we have a party at our house, I don’t let him eat any food that I’ve prepared until everyone has arrived.

9.  I make him get the kids ready for bed just because I don’t want to miss any of the TV show I happen to be watching.  I need a break for goodness’ sake.  Meanwhile, they were in school all day while I was home and my husband just wrapped up a fourteen hour workday.

10.  My husband asks me to help him with color coordination when he dresses for work.  I say everything looks fine, then when I see him later, I’m all, “You wore THAT to work?”  Then I tease him with a little ditty I made up:  “Light on top, dark on bottom.  Dark on bottom, light on top.  Light, dark.  Dark, light."  I wave my hands over him Vanna White style.

I guess I’m kind of a jerk, but he knew that one hundred and ninety seven years ago.
Don't let the smile fool you.  Inside he's screaming.


  1. loving it!!!!!!!! makes me feel sane. beautiful couple, by the way!

    1. Thanks! I could have used a better picture of him, but this is a really good picture of me. :)

  2. Is that what Mimi has been up to?? I swear she does all of those things to me.

  3. I just KNEW he was perfect ;-)

  4. true, too! I think I really love number four the best.

    1. I no longer work for money, and this is the best plan I have come up with so far to make money that I don't deserve.