The real reason I love Halloween isn't because I like spooky, scary things.
Sure, I get a little thrill hearing about Ichabod Crane and campfires and ghosts and vampires and werewolves and things that go bump in the night, but being scared isn't really what janks me up about Halloween.
It's not the food, what with the candy and the overwhelming freedom I give myself to inhale as much as I want in one sitting, even though that's almost like heaven to me. It's not the comfort fall food like butternut squash soup, or roasted fall veggies, or pumpkin spice lattes, or meatloaf, or any of that.
Yes. Meatloaf is a Halloween food.
It's not dressing up, although I do enjoy making the most triumphant costume out of the least amount of commercial Halloween materials possible. Incidentally, I also enjoy giving myself the absolute least amount of time possible to come up with said costume triumph.
It's not carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, because that is a worthless chore, hello, they sell pre-lit jack-o-lanterns made of plastic and whatnot that look real and you can use them every year if you want and you don't have to get all Jack the Ripper on a poor unsuspecting vegetable, which is useful in so many other ways, like pumpkin pies and pumpkin spice lattes. Plus, if you sit at my table while we are making jack-o-lanterns, you're dealing with children who gag at the sight of what comes out of a pumpkin, and that's funny only until the gagging turns into the stuff that looks like what comes out of a pumpkin.
It's not the Halloween specials, even though I love Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin and can we all agree that these children have the strangest hair imaginable?
The real reason I love Halloween is because the word Halloween almost has the word weiner in it, and weiners are hilarious.
Because, you know, I'm twelve.
May your Halloweiner be an extra-happy, extra-spooky, extra-silly, extra-thrilling, extra-weinery one!