What pushes your buttons, ticks you off, and causes the red hot fire of hell to burn your innards like the brimstone lit by the breath of a dragon? We’re not talking about societal ills here, like war, rape, murder, sexism, poverty, snobbery, child abuse, death, hate, unsweetened chocolate, or genocide. All that stuff is crap, too, but I’m talking everyday junk that drags you out and makes you twitch. Here are ten of mine:
1. Too many questions. There is a direct correlation between the number of questions I am asked and the speed of my blood pressure. There is an inverse correlation between the number of questions asked and the lightness of my mood. This math lesson is brought to you by a family full of quizmasters who fire daily endless questions at me regarding the weather, the meaning of common words like “the” and “beneath,” and exactly what I will be doing at 10:19 tonight.
2. People who wait to be served. I am not talking at a restaurant or at a hotel, where service is something you pay for. I’m talking about life in general. In life, most people are capable of helping themselves in almost every situation. If you know where the glasses are kept, PLEASE HELP YOURSELF. Also, if you are hungry, for the love of Mike and all his holy brothers, don’t wait for me to feed you. It’s like you’re daring me to allow you to starve.
3. The idea that fat-free/low fat or low calorie food is always the healthy option. Um, ice cream sandwiches, even though they promise less fat than your average pint of Haagen Das, are NOT healthy. Diet Coke is not healthy in any sense. I am not a nutritionist, just rational and sane. Do ice cream sandwiches and Diet Coke taste good? Yes. Chemicals are delicious, but they are not healthy. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise.
4. Clamshell packaging. I imagine a board meeting with twelve suits circling a mahogany table, glasses of fresh ice water in their hands, saying, “Let’s come up with packaging that has a hundred percent success rate for serious laceration injuries, either by the packaging itself or the invariably inappropriate tool that our customers will reach for when slicing it open.” Then imagine me walking in the door and dumping that ice water over all of their heads.
5. Paying for feminine hygiene products. That stuff is expensive, people. And it is NOT an option, like nail clippers, birth control, or even underarm deodorant. I mean, really. I clip forty-seven coupons a month for this crap. And don’t tell me anything about Diva Cup, birth control pills, hysterectomy, or pregnancy. That stuff costs money, too. It’s just another way for the man to keep us ladies down. My husband agrees, if only to keep me from griping. What’s a girl gotta do for free Tampax?
6. When people express delight or relief that some bad fortune didn’t happen to them. If I want to talk about something horrible in the world, complain about something terrible that happened to me or something that ticks me off, the last thing I want to hear is how you’ve never had that experience, or how you’re so glad to be spared that particular injustice. So your life is perfect? Goody goody for you. Come over here and let me punch you right in the neck.
7. The word “interesting” as a description. As in, “I found that movie/book/family dynamic interesting” or “That outfit is interesting” or “Her taste in men is interesting.” What you’re saying is that it’s bad, you hated it, you find it ridiculous, stupid. If you don’t feel negative about it, don’t say that it’s interesting. Say what you think already. I find it interesting that you can’t come up with another word to describe something you hate anything but interesting.
8. When people don’t answer their phone, don’t call back, insist on texting only, or lie about not getting the message. The art of communication is rapidly dying, and it really wasn’t so great to begin with. I realize that I am in the minority when I say that I am not an avid texter or call screener. I call back. And if you have screened me because you feel I am not worth your time at the very moment I call, then you are RUDE. And dealing with rude people makes me angry.
9. The poor quality of clothing. I am not hard on clothing, yet garments will literally rip into shreds after washing according to the instructions on the tags, shrink and discolor and lose shape after one wearing, or fall apart after a short time. It's frustrating. What is going on here? Is the message that we are to go around in the nude? If so, I clearly need more time at the gym.
10. Life is Good. Those shirts. The baseball caps. All with little stick people emphasizing how much of Life is Good. Tell that to the people who have lost loved ones in wars, in movie theaters, to that homeless guy who got his face eaten off on the Miami freeway. Tell them that Life is Good. Every time I see one of those shirts, the baseball caps, I feel it’s like these people are being spit at in the face. Or lack of, if you’re that homeless guy. Either way, Life is Good makes me indignant.
|Don't make me wear my grumpy face.|
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