I was floored, and I have never forgotten that lesson. I have asked countless questions in my
lifetime, and through the filter of the lie that we have been told as children “there
is no such thing as a dumb question,” we grow up learning that it is okay to
ask anything and that no one will think you ridiculous for asking. We are told that the spirit of the questioning overrides any
ignorance about the topic at hand, because it shows a level of humility
and readiness to be taught that any rational person welcomes in another human
being. It’s refreshing.
But there is a line.
When you are an adult, it is okay to ask questions unless they are dumb
ones. When you are an adult, you must
hold back. You must know which questions
are dumb and refrain from asking them.
You cannot fire questions at people and expect them to always respond
positively to your line of questioning, unless they hold the key to any and all
information on a subject that you are interested in learning. If you don’t think
before you ask, and you ask a lot of dumb questions, you will annoy people.
You’re welcome.
I love my husband.
I’m his wife, and as a wife you’re supposed to say that, or else people
look at you with pity in their eyes and silently high five themselves for truly
loving their husbands while you are judged for obviously struggling in your
marriage, because there is an unwritten rule that even though marriage is the
hardest relationship in the entire universe, you are supposed to act like it is
both easy AND breezy.
Which it isn’t, OK? I
don’t care if you’re Hugh Jackman’s wife and you are so lucky to be married to him
that you spend every day smiling at yourself in the mirror for obviously
winning the husband jackpot.
So anyway, I love my husband. BUT.
He never learned the ‘Think before you ask’ lesson I did in
college. He frequently asks questions as
a means of conversation. And many of
his questions are dumb ones. I mean, it's obvious that he didn't put any time into the thoughts behind these questions. Here are a
few that occurred recently:
(My husband): What are
you doing? I am sitting at the
computer, paying bills. My answer: Right now I am catching up on writing fan
mail to myself and doing my hourly Kegel count.
I just sent $10,000 to this businessman in Nigeria who promised me $100,000
in diamonds after the check clears. I
figured you wouldn’t mind.
Is that hairspray? Asked as he ‘keeps me company’ while I get
ready after a shower. It’s a little
weird that he watches me dry off all the parts of my body that I wish
didn’t exist, but that's his nightmare. When he asks if I am spraying hairspray on my body out of a
fragrance bottle, I get a little testy.
My answer: Yes. I am spraying
hairspray all over myself before I put my clothes on. It’s supposed to be good for your skin. And your eyes. Would you like to try? Open wide.
What are you thinking
about having for dinner? Asked during
hour 8 of a 10-hour day that I spent with our daughter at a mildly tortuous and lengthy academic tournament,
while he was at home most of the day. My
answer (after taking some deep breaths and silently thanking God that there were
no sharp objects in my hands): Gee, I
don’t know. I was thinking about going
home and drinking a bottle of wine.
Maybe I’ll chase it with some tequila shots if I’m still hungry afterwards. If you and the kids don’t want
that, then you are on your own.
What are your plans
for tonight? Asked on a Friday at 5
pm, after I’ve completed a solid week of manual work done inside the house. I am sweaty, exhausted, and irritable. My answer:
None. I have no energy to answer
such a dumb question. I instead turn on the
water in the shower as hot as I can stand, stand under the stream, and weep as I think that Hugh Jackman probably gives his wife daily footrubs.
What are you making? Asked as I stand at the kitchen counter, a
huge bowl of chopped-up lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, and green peppers in front
of me. I am chopping up a red pepper to
add to the bowl. My answer: I’m making hot dogs. Do you want one?
What do the kids want to do? Asked as the kids stand right there in front of both of us. My answer: Kids! Your father wants to know: What do you want to do? Then: You know, the kids can hear as well as respond intelligently. Someday you must learn to speak to them directly.
What do the kids want to do? Asked as the kids stand right there in front of both of us. My answer: Kids! Your father wants to know: What do you want to do? Then: You know, the kids can hear as well as respond intelligently. Someday you must learn to speak to them directly.
(Holding up a movie) Do
you want to watch this movie? I am
sitting with a book, taking pleasure in some peace and quiet. My
answer: Not really. Do you want to rent another one?
My answer: (realizing that my first answer was the wrong one) OK. Which movie
do you want to see? My answer: I don’t care.
Do you want to see (movie A)? Do you want to see (movie B)? Do you want to see (movie C)? I don’t care.
Please pick one. Which movie were
you thinking about getting? I wasn’t. YOU ASKED ME IF I’D LIKE TO WATCH A
MOVIE. PICK ONE
FORTHELOVEOFEVERYTHINGTHATISHOLY!!!!! OK.
But which one were you thinking?
It goes on forever, folks.
It has become kind of a joke, if jokes were intended to drive the
recipient to the edge of sanity. The
bright spot is that he gives me plenty of opportunities to practice my snark.
The dark spot is that for him, there is still no such thing
as a dumb question.
![]() |
I like to call him "The Inquisitor" |
The other bright spot? That he is OMG - so cute.
*******
Loved it! Thanks for the laughs!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, and thanks!
DeleteOK, I rarely LOL for real when I'm alone, but I totally did. And this post will probably be bouncing around my head at every baseball game I see Keith at and I'll be giggling to myself...but don't tell him. I'd hate for him to feel me laughing at him. ;)
ReplyDeleteOK, but don't be surprised if he comes over and asks you what you are you laughing about. It's totally within his normal behavior to do so.
ReplyDeleteOh, how funnny - I laughed so loud I almost woke the sleeping Kidzilla. This is hysterical, of course, because we have such similar conversations in our house. The end was maybe the best because after a conversation like this when I have reached my absolute end of tolerance for such conversations, my Hub invariably looks at me and actually says to me, "I'm cute. You love me."
ReplyDeleteThat's great!! That comment would defuse/disarm me every time. Cuteness can cover a multitude of sins, which in my opinion is a win for everyone in this situation.
Delete