Seven Celebrities I’d Like to Be Mine

Valentine’s Day is almost here, and with it comes pronouncements of love, chocolate and wine, candlelight, and amazing sexual pressure coming from any of a myriad of sources: pop culture, retailers, your significant other, your own frantic libido.

For me, Valentine’s Day is a quiet day spent shuttling my children off to school, maybe a baggie of Valentines tucked into their backpacks that we spent the previous evening shopping for and signing for their classmates.  It’s kind of a nice holiday if it gets an appropriate celebration, which is to say if I get a nice card and a little extra affection from my husband when he comes home from work, that’s just fine with me.  Oh, and wine.  There should be wine.

I always get my husband a Valentine that expresses a sentiment that matches whatever I am feeling at the time.  One particularly playful year I got him a corny card with a picture of a playing card that read “You’re the King of My Heart.”  Another year I got him an Elvis card.  Sometimes they are serious, if I can find one that expresses something that I would say to him.  Not anything like “I could spend eternity staring into the limpid pools of your eyes.  The world could fall away and I would willingly die in your able arms of masculinity.”

Seriously.  I'm not that romantic.  First of all, I’d have to define ‘limpid’ and describe what is meant by ‘able arms of masculinity.’  It totally wouldn’t be worth it.  My husband is a smart guy, but these expressions would stump him and the moment would be lost.

Anyway, Valentine’s Day is fun to tell your loved ones how much you love them, but what if your loved one was a celebrity?  Here are seven ways I’d tell my favorite celebrities how much I love thee.  Or thou.  Whatever.  Here we go.

Christian Bale:  Oh Christian, your brooding, dark and slightly menacing ways intrigue me.  Come to my house where we can talk about our future together and I can lose myself in your crinkly smile.  I promise not to ask you to speak to me in your Batman voice.  In fact, please don’t.

Christian Bale photo credit

Colin Firth:  Colin, your vulnerability and humor set you apart from the rest.  Even though every time I think of you I think of that guy from Downton Abbey, you will always be my first English celebrity crush.

Colin Firth photo credit

Adam Levine:  Adam.  Just seeing you makes my heart skip a beat.  Whatever you’re doing to appear hotter each time I look at you, please don’t stop.  Forgive me for the time when I made fun of Moves Like Jagger because Mick Jagger is as sexy as a lizard and his moves are surely terrible.

Adam Levine photo credit

Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner:  Dear Zac and Taylor, thank you for being over 18.  It makes me feel better for thinking about how pretty you are, especially since I still think of you as Troy and Shark-Boy.

Zac Efron photo credit

Taylor Lautner photo credit

Andrew Garfield:  Oh Andrew, your nerdiness and self-effacing ways charm me to no end.  I will never forget how you handily made a movie about spiders and superheroes something that I would willingly watch with my children, and the mumbling that you did so effortlessly so we had to watch the one kissing scene over and over until we could understand what you were saying.

Andrew Garfield photo credit

Jason Bateman:  Jason, we go way back.  I’ll never forget how you kept showing up in random TV shows of my childhood, and how you came back to me as an adult with my favorite kind of humor and wise-cracking sensibilities.  You have aged well, and I hope that the fact that I haven’t doesn’t deter you from spending time with me.  Or us, as my husband loves you almost as much as I do.

Jason Bateman photo credit

Be My Valentine!  
Love, Andrea

This post was inspired by:

Choice #4:  List 7 celebrities you’d like to give Valentines to