Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Life Is a Series of That Moment Whens




You know the meme that’s been circulating for a while that starts with That Moment When…?  It’s a line on social media that people use to share those sad, funny, awkward or frustrating moments, or any other human experience that we can all relate to.

It always sounds like something that some clever person made up who would never be friends with me.

You know, like That moment when you hear a familiar beat and then you finally recognize what song it is.  Or That moment when you know that last shot of tequila was a bad idea OR That moment when you think to yourself, why did I just say that?

I just Googled those, and who can’t relate to any of them?  Kids?

Anyway, I have read so many That Moment Whens that I started thinking of life in terms of That Moment Whens.  Just in time for That Moment to be over.

Which incidentally, That moment when a 39-year-old at-home mom from the suburbs starts getting into something cool is the exact moment when it stops being cool.

So I decided to write out my day as a series of That Moment Whens because it always makes a person feel better to know that we all share such similar experiences.  I mean, that is what That Moment Whens were created to do, yes?

That moment when you get so frustrated with your hair straightener because you’ve spent the last ten minutes trying to straighten your hair and you’re all I can’t believe this stupid thing stopped working already, it’s only a few years old, jeez, they don’t make anything to last anymore and you realize that the thing isn’t even plugged in and you realize that only old people talk about when they remember when things were made better than they are today.

That moment when you drop something that is going to be a real pain to clean up and then it doesn’t make a mess and you’re so happy that it didn’t make a mess but then you sadly realize that you just spent some extreme happiness time on not having to clean up a mess.

That moment when you’re in yoga class and you remember that you are wearing the yoga pants with the hole in them and you wish you would have checked for more holes because obviously if there’s one hole there might be another hole and you’re trying to remember what color underwear you have on because at least if you have dark underwear on it won’t be as noticeable as if you had white ones on and aw jeez now we are doing the happy baby position which is really embarrassing and you remember when your kids were babies and how they held onto their feet over their heads when they were being changed and how cute they were and man I wish I was facing the other way because if someone walks by the window there I will be and at least at the guy next to me is facing the same way I am because I would hate for us to be facing each other disgusting and it kind of stinks in here.

That moment when you buy your kids some more Easter candy that nobody really needs least of all you because you spend the days after Easter going through their Easter baskets eating all their candy and maybe you should just go out and buy your own chocolate because it would be quicker than sneaking a few Hershey’s kisses every day for a week so they think they are eating them instead of you and then you find a Cadbury Creme Egg that you know neither one of your kids will eat and you eat it right then and there because you know that you bought it for yourself anyway even though they’re not really your favorite but you can only get them at Easter and so it’s kind of like your duty to buy and eat them, just like Peeps but Peeps are out for every holiday now so they’re not really that special and besides that they are kind of gross.

That moment when you decide that you no longer care about being cool and hip OR about having more space than your family can use because you just want someplace to put your purse in the car when you’re driving because every car has a stupid center console and aren’t there any female car designers out there and you want a minivan again after not having one for four years because they at least have a place to put your purse and then you go online to shop for one and when you bring it up to your husband he makes you feel like a huge nerd for wanting a minivan again but then you remember that most of your husband’s clothing advertises the college he went to a hundred years ago so who cares what he thinks.

That moment when you remember that you took twenty dollars from your son’s piggy bank about a year ago so you put the money back but then you realize that you need some change for a twenty so you take out four fives then later you spend all your cash and you still owe your son twenty dollars and you wonder when you will remember to put it back in and you say to yourself who cares most of that money in that bank is money that I gave him anyway but then you feel bad so you put an IOU in there to remind yourself the next time you take money from his bank and then you think about what a deadbeat mom you are not even bothering to pay back debts to your own child who didn’t even realize that you took money from him and then you feel like a failed parent because you have a kid who has so much money that he doesn’t even miss it when you steal money from him.

That moment when you’re driving down the road from shopping at Target and you’re kind of regretting all the money you spent there because you just spent kind of a lot of money there the other day and then you rationalize it by going over all the stuff you bought and it was all stuff you needed anyway isn’t it always that you run out of everything at the same time like toilet paper and napkins and stuff and then an old song comes on that you really love and you try to remember the words and when you first heard it and then you realize that you’re going twenty five miles an hour and that you’re totally tailgating the car in front of you and you realize that person is probably slowing down to teach you a lesson because sometimes you do the same thing so you feel like you totally deserve it and then the person turns off into a driveway and you think no way that person was trying to be a jerk because now I totally know where they live and could get revenge on them for driving twenty five on the road but since you’re not that kind of person you think wow they’re really lucky that I’m not a road rager.

OK maybe That Moment Whens don’t really apply to me.


7 comments:

  1. That Moment When you realize you aren't alone in this parenting, adulthood, I just spent a crap ton of money at Target, thing called life. Very nice. Completely and totally relatable...except for the yoga pants.

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    1. Thank you! It's comforting to know that my brain isn't he only one that can go off in so many different directions in such a small time span.

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  2. That moment when you realize that other people out there have exactly the same "moment whens" and streams of thought running through their heads and you feel like maybe you aren't toally nuts after all. Or, everybody is just as nuts as you.

    Peeps are indeed disgusting, but, like other things in life, an obligatory part of Easter celebrations. Tip: they are way better stale. Slit the package and let them sit in the closet for about six weeks. THEN eat them.

    Cadbury creme eggs...grossest thing I've ever eaten. However. Their caramel egg and chocolate eggs? To. Die. For. Just ate what I think was my fiftieth and realized I need to grab more before they are gone. Because unlike Peeps, they have not yet infiltrated all holidays and seasons, thus rendering themselves un-special.

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    1. So glad you can relate!

      Is it just me, or is everybody else relieved when Easter is over and the temptation to chase everything with a chocolate bunny is no longer there?

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  3. Ha! My husband and I are happiness-wasters. We both derive such happiness out of things that don't go wrong, or things we didn't have to go do that we thought we would have to, etc. And yes times a million to the Target scenario.

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    1. "Happiness Waster" - I'm getting t-shirts made. Do you guys want one?

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