Friday, June 28, 2013

Bring the Heat

Summertime means humidity, which makes you sticky, hot, and if you’re special, swell up like a balloon so that your hands and feet resemble sausages.

I love it.

Hogwash, you say.  It’s miserable.  You can never cool down, and the air is so thick you can’t even breathe.  No one likes the heat and humidity.  But I do.  Bring it.

Now, look. I’m not a masochist.  I am shouting “I LOVE HUMIDITY!!!” from the comfort of my air conditioned home.  We have hardwood floors, for goodness’ sakes.  Humidity will ruin them, according to my Home Depot-assigned install man.  The windows are firmly closed and the air inside is cool and dry.  I’m practical that way.

But there’s no A/C in my car.  My husband borrowed it for a day and when he brought it back the air-conditioning didn’t work.  Did I run to the garage to get it fixed?  Nope.  Power down those windows and let the humid air in.*

We vacation in Florida sometimes.  In August.  When we tell people this, they say, “Ah mah gah, no way!  Flahridah is SAH HUMID in Ahgahst!!”  I’m not sure why the people we talk to about our vacations have eighties' Valley Girl accents.

To me, there is nothing worse than being cold.  Cold temperatures chill the air, your toes, your hands, your bones.  Nothing can warm you when you’ve been out in the damp cold, wind attacking you from every direction.  I sit in my house in the winter wrapped in blankets and sweaters, fluffy socks on my feet until May.  Every car ride is a battle of wills against the seatbelt, winter coat, scarf, and gloves, and an encroaching feeling of claustrophobia.

So when the heat comes, and with it the humidity, I raise my hands to the sun and whatever other atmospheric conditions contribute to the humidity, and let it all soak in.

In the humidity, my hair is big.  The frizz factor is high, and I relish it.  I have an unfortunate head of hair that only curls on the underside, and it would surely dreadlock if left to its own devices in a tropical climate, but look how BIG it is!  It’s majestic! Who needs volume spray when the humidity is 90%?  I just step outside for five minutes and WHOOMP there it is!  I put up pictures of Diana Ross and will her big-hairness into my own follicles. 

I love it so much.  Is that weird?
photo credit

In the humidity, my skin is hydrated.  It glows and plumps, all on its own.  In the cold I am the Crypt-Keeper, hopelessly dry and sunken and maybe even a little bit yellow.  In the humidity there are no crow’s feet, no lines, and a radiance that originates from the sweat emanating from every pore.

In the humidity, I drink water like it’s another job I don’t get paid for.  It contributes to an overall healthy attitude, boosts my mood, and makes me feel great.  In the cold I drink vodka to warm my bones and have the personality of a Russian mobster.** 
 
So when it’s humid outside, like it promises to be during this and every summer, you won’t find me sitting around complaining about how I can’t take the heat.  Pass me another bottle of water, don’t mind the cloud of hair curling away from my head and into your personal space, and help me pry these rings off my fingers.  I’m losing circulation here.


*Why yes, this is a thinly-veiled dig against my husband, who clearly can’t be trusted to take care of things.  Sigh.  I can’t have anything nice.

**No one likes them.  Every James Bond movie I’ve ever seen says so.

*******

14 comments:

  1. My hair also only gets curly on the underside. My mom refers to it as matted dog curl. It runs in my family.

    Like you, I also prefer to be hot than cold. By the time I have enough layers on to be warm, I feel like the kid in A Christmas Story and can't move my arms. Suffocating is definitely the right term!

    (And you must let us know if your husband takes your car in to get the AC fixed.)

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    1. Yes! Good description of the hair curling phenomenon. And yes, suffocating. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket in the winter.

      Yesterday my husband saw me with the windows down and said "So your AC still doesn't work?" That is the extent of his concern. :)

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  2. You would love SE Texas. We have heat and humidity pretty much year round.

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    1. Yay for Texas! My hair would be huge there.

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  3. Southern Georgia summers = insane humidity. I usually end up wearing my hair up in a ponytail because it just flattens out.

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    1. Yeah, southern summers are pretty intense. I only lived as far south as North Carolina, and they were pretty humid. I can't imagine Georgia!

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  4. I am SO the opposite - I would rather be cold than hot. Humidity is my enemy in all regards. I just went outside for five minutes and I need a shower. In the cold, you can keep putting on clothing until you look like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man if you like. In the heat, there's only so much you can take off before decency demands you stop.

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    1. I've heard that before - you can add layers to get warm, but you can't remove enough clothing to get cool. I just hate feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of clothing.

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  5. you're a nutjob :) i hate the heat! although i will definitely take it over cold - i've never lived in a cold climate and i'm not sure i could hack it! but 100 degree days make me sick!

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    1. Cold is the worst. Believe me. And you're right, 100 degrees is hard to take. Those are the days when I do stay indoors. Last year our home AC flaked out on the hottest weekend of the year, and it was not fun.

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  6. I like heat, but not humidity. Give me cold air with hot coffee any day. :-)

    But yes, nice thick humid hair is not bad. And glowing sun kissed skin is not bad either.

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    1. I admit, warm days with nary a trace of humidity are divine. But add sea air to the humidity and I'm flipping my hair around like Gisele. Stand back.

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  7. I laughed out loud at the "eighties Valley Girl accents"!

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    1. It's a hit, always. I'm bringing it back, I think.

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