I grew up in a rural area, spending much of my childhood outside. We'd sled ride and build snowmen in the winter, ride bikes and swim in the summer, and walk through the woods almost any season at all.
When I look back at my childhood, most memories of playing outdoors were laced with a minor fear that I could die at any moment.
I'm no outdoorswoman. Ask anyone who knows me: I'd rather be indoors. Sitting around a fire pit – the pits. It's so stinky – it’s a constant dance to avoid being blasted with smoke. Wind is always annoying, and temperatures are always, frustratingly, fluctuating. Unless it’s 90 or 20, there’s no way to dress appropriately. An inconvenient rainstorm can ruin an afternoon spent at the salon.
Outside, there are bugs which bite and sting and around every corner is a plant out to prick you or give you a rash. Small animals lurk in the grass just to jump out and give you a heart attack when you casually pass by. Deer plow into your car when you drive down the road. It’s always a thousand dollars to repair the damage.
Camping – sleeping outside, in the open, without locks and windows and doors and running water – is out of the question. Have you seen Deliverance? Hiking always, ALWAYS leads to getting lost. I once heard of someone taking some kids on a hike and he stopped to check the map – steps before a steep drop-off. Wow, where do I sign up for THAT? It sounds like so much fun.
Nature is just so unpredictable, and I can't get with it, and just in case I haven’t explained enough, here are some other reasons why:
Because of tornadoes. Land of Oz, really.
Floods that ruin everything, and that no one can buy insurance for.
Forest fires. Nothing can stop a wall of fire. Have you seen the helicopters carrying huge bags of water to dump over the flames? The forest fires are all, "that's so cute."
Hurricanes that destroy everything and frankly, are insensitively named.
Tsunamis, which are sneaky even though we can see them coming from miles away. Oh look, the ocean just went out five miles. Oops, now it's wiped out my whole town.
Mudslides. Not the tasty kind.
Earthquakes. Seriously, what is THAT about? The earth is spinning at a bajillion miles an hour, and it finds time to split apart? What, hasn't it heard of centrifugal force? You know, that force that prevents you from lifting your arm up on one of those spinny rides at the amusement park?
Volcanoes. Hot lava, people. It burns!
Underground volcanoes. Did you know that Yellowstone National Park is sitting on one that, if erupted, would ruin our ability to mass produce food, and change our climate patterns for years? Plus, the ground is famously thin in that area. One misstep and you will find yourself in the center of the earth, and Brendan Fraser is most certainly NOT there.
Bears. They will scalp you if you get between them and their babies, or a half a sandwich that some fool left out at a campsite.
Tigers. I've seen a tiger pace along a chainlink fence while hungrily staring at my toddler who was strapped into a stroller. Terrifying. And let's never forget Siegfried and Roy, specifically Roy.
Gorillas, baboons, and chimps. Not our cousins, people. These are wild animals with fangs and huge muscles that will crush you before ripping your face off. Plus, they will throw their poop at you if you get too close. What a bunch of bullies.
Sharks. Not cool, man.
|The caption says:|
"Sitting in a 3.8-metre sea kayak and watching a four-metre
great white approach you is a fairly tense experience."
Bees and wasps and hornets. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pollination and all of that. Get stung by one and you want to cut your arm off to stop the pain.
Mosquitoes. Biggest jerks of summer.
Poison ivy, poison sumac, poison oak. The only effective remedy against these is a steroid. Which, if you’re lucky, only makes you stay up all night and want to punch everyone.
Pollen, hay, grass, ragweed. They lead to sneezing, itchy eyes, closed throat, stuffed head, and snot. Disgusting.
Cactuses. Okay, cacti. All bad news. Some jump out at you. Oh, look at this cactus. It’s so unusual. Oh, look, now I have a zillion prickers in my skin.
There are more reasons, but that’s the short list of why Nature just isn’t my bag. May I point out that none of these things occur naturally indoors? NONE. I will agree, Mother Nature is beautiful, but that is what windows are for - to see out, from the comfort of inside.
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