Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Why Mother Nature Can Suck It

I grew up in a rural area, spending much of my childhood outside.  We'd sled ride and build snowmen in the winter, ride bikes and swim in the summer, and walk through the woods almost any season at all.  

When I look back at my childhood, most memories of playing outdoors were laced with a minor fear that I could die at any moment.

I'm no outdoorswoman.  Ask anyone who knows me: I'd rather be indoors.  Sitting around a fire pit – the pits.  It's so stinky – it’s a constant dance to avoid being blasted with smoke.  Wind is always annoying, and temperatures are always, frustratingly, fluctuating.  Unless it’s 90 or 20, there’s no way to dress appropriately. An inconvenient rainstorm can ruin an afternoon spent at the salon.


Outside, there are bugs which bite and sting and around every corner is a plant out to prick you or give you a rash.  Small animals lurk in the grass just to jump out and give you a heart attack when you casually pass by.  Deer plow into your car when you drive down the road.  It’s always a thousand dollars to repair the damage.

Camping – sleeping outside, in the open, without locks and windows and doors and running water – is out of the question.  Have you seen Deliverance?  Hiking always, ALWAYS leads to getting lost.  I once heard of someone taking some kids on a hike and he stopped to check the map – steps before a steep drop-off.  Wow, where do I sign up for THAT?  It sounds like so much fun. 

Nature is just so unpredictable, and I can't get with it, and just in case I haven’t explained enough, here are some other reasons why:

Because of tornadoes.  Land of Oz, really.

Floods that ruin everything, and that no one can buy insurance for.

Forest fires.  Nothing can stop a wall of fire.  Have you seen the helicopters carrying huge bags of water to dump over the flames?  The forest fires are all, "that's so cute."


Hurricanes that destroy everything and frankly, are insensitively named.

Tsunamis, which are sneaky even though we can see them coming from miles away.  Oh look, the ocean just went out five miles.  Oops, now it's wiped out my whole town.

Mudslides.  Not the tasty kind.


Earthquakes.  Seriously, what is THAT about? The earth is spinning at a bajillion miles an hour, and it finds time to split apart?  What, hasn't it heard of centrifugal force?  You know, that force that prevents you from lifting your arm up on one of those spinny rides at the amusement park?

Volcanoes.  Hot lava, people.  It burns!

Underground volcanoes.  Did you know that Yellowstone National Park is sitting on one that, if erupted, would ruin our ability to mass produce food, and change our climate patterns for years?  Plus, the ground is famously thin in that area.  One misstep and you will find yourself in the center of the earth, and Brendan Fraser is most certainly NOT there.

Bears.  They will scalp you if you get between them and their babies, or a half a sandwich that some fool left out at a campsite.


Tigers.  I've seen a tiger pace along a chainlink fence while hungrily staring at my toddler who was strapped into a stroller.  Terrifying.  And let's never forget Siegfried and Roy, specifically Roy.

Gorillas, baboons, and chimps.  Not our cousins, people.  These are wild animals with fangs and huge muscles that will crush you before ripping your face off.  Plus, they will throw their poop at you if you get too close.  What a bunch of bullies.

Sharks.  Not cool, man.

The caption says:
"Sitting in a 3.8-metre sea kayak and watching a four-metre
great white approach you is a fairly tense experience."
YA THINK?

photo credit

Bees and wasps and hornets.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, pollination and all of that.  Get stung by one and you want to cut your arm off to stop the pain.

Mosquitoes.  Biggest jerks of summer.

Poison ivy, poison sumac, poison oak.  The only effective remedy against these is a steroid.  Which, if you’re lucky, only makes you stay up all night and want to punch everyone.

Pollen, hay, grass, ragweed.  They lead to sneezing, itchy eyes, closed throat, stuffed head, and snot.  Disgusting.

Cactuses.  Okay, cacti.  All bad news.  Some jump out at you.  Oh, look at this cactus.  It’s so unusual.  Oh, look, now I have a zillion prickers in my skin.



There are more reasons, but that’s the short list of why Nature just isn’t my bag.  May I point out that none of these things occur naturally indoors?  NONE.  I will agree, Mother Nature is beautiful, but that is what windows are for - to see out, from the comfort of inside.

*******

This post inspired by:

Mama’s Losin’ It
Prompt #2: Nature.

26 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. So I'm not the only one, then? Whew.

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  2. While I enjoy camping and hiking, I really don't like insects. Mosquitoes eat me alive, and I'm afraid of bees, despite the fact that I've never been stung.

    For a while I was taking indoor rock climbing lessons. Someone invited me to go outdoor climbing, and I shuddered at the thought of there being all that dirt and the possibility of encountering critters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Insects are the worst. They are EVERYWHERE.

      Indoor climbing sounds nice. And safe. I'm quite sure if I'd climb a mountain, a mouse would run out of a crack in the rock and down I'd go.

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  3. I am a mosquito magnet! I have done things like hike, climb a mountain (well, only to base one and it took hours, I nearly died), white water rafting. But I'm far from an outdoorsy type. My husband suggests camping just to see my horrified expression.

    Let's sit around a fire INDOORS and sip hot chocolate, yes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES! What's wrong about a nice, indoor fire? Ours is gas, even. No smoke, no ashes!

      My husband did a lot of camping when he was younger, and he feels the same about it as I do. Where is the nearest hotel? We'll stay there.

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  4. Holy cow. You have just taken my outdoor fears to a new level! There are cacti that jump??

    Bravo on fitting it all in once place, which I can read from the comfort of my chair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. Jumping Cholla (pronouced CHOY-yah). They look soft, but if you get too close, they will launch an attack with their prickers.

      I'm not sure that's the official term for the pointy things, but that says it all.

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  5. Methinks a little research is in order here. I'm pretty sure the Earth doesn't spin at a bajillion mph...
    -Tyler

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    Replies
    1. Please also research centrifugal force for me and let me know if I used it correctly in this context, please. I never took physics and only got a passing grade in earth science.

      ;)

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    2. Methinks someone takes blog posts too seriously. ;)

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  6. The older I get I feel that way, but when I was younger I never wanted to be inside. Fun post. kelley—the road goes ever ever on

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Yeah, I never wanted to be outside, even as a kid, but I made an exception if there was a swimming pool involved.

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  7. UNDERground volcanoes? Like it's not enough we have to worry about those above ground? And you forgot lions. What I hate about nature are those tiny bacteria that you can't even see but that can crawl into your brain from some horrible water source and turn your brain to liquid. Yuck. What the heck is up with that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, lions, jeez. I was going to write something about them but somehow I feel like they're less vicious than bears, chimps, and tigers, who really just only want to eat us.

      And yes. UNDERGROUND VOLCANOES. When we visited Yellowstone our tour guide told us that the one under the surface there would wipe out something like 40% of the whole world if it erupted, but it turns out it wouldn't. It would just destroy most of the United States.

      Those brain-liquefying bacteria are the worst. So rude.

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  8. Came over from Mama Kat's -- you read my mind on this one. But don't tell my Bear-Grylls-wannabe better half ;).

    Seriously -- "Deer plow into your car when you drive down the road." This happened to me on an exit ramp in the middle of Iowa. I didn't hit the deer; it hit ME. And loped off into the night. Fortunately, insurance doesn't raise your premiums if you "maintain control of your vehicle" (i.e., don't swerve and accidentally roll your car over in a ditch in the process of trying to AVOID that sneaky antlered menace). I suppose I should be grateful for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahem. Deer are assholes. The end.

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  9. I laughed all the way through this! I'm such an indoor girl...married to a nature boy. I just don't get his fascination with...the outdoors!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! My husband isn't much for outdoors, but his affinity for campfires is unmatched. He says, "should I make a fire?" and I give him the side-eye. Every time.

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  10. You and my daughter would get along famously.

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    Replies
    1. Send her my way. All my friends are nature freaks.

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  11. The thing I never understand is why people choose to live in these natural disaster areas. Like who would choose to live right under a working volcano, or somewhere that is known to have earthquakes like all the time?! It's like you really must want to die and lose your belongings.

    Fun post!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, yeah, I wonder that also. Although recently I've seen that there just isn't a "safe" place to live anymore. Natural disasters seem to be winning.

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