I have been fortunate to have traveled a little, and have
stayed in all sorts of hotels. I have
stopped at roadside motels which have dirty towels hanging on the back of the
bathroom door, and I have stayed in hotels where the bedding is spun from actual
angel hair.
Now, look. I know
there are fancier hotels in the world than the ones I’ve seen, with amenities that I would never even have thought I’d need nor imagine. This is why I am not a hotel manager; I do
not think that people might need something like a Rolls Royce with their room, nor a private butler.
But fancy hotels are different than the average nicer hotel
you might stay in on vacation with your spouse or on a girls’ weekend, and much
different than the suite-style hotel I stayed in earlier this month with my family,
which was lovely and convenient but lacked certain luxuries, like not seeing
cockroaches in the kitchen area.
And the following items are the differences.
1) In fancy hotels,
the toiletries are fancy. I’ve
stayed at places where the toiletries gave me feelings of such bliss that, once home,
I promptly went online to order a bottle of the same stuff, only to find that
there is no way I can afford to sustain this habit. My husband recently returned from a business
trip with three hotel-sized bottles of L’Occitane toiletries (one of my
favorites) and joked with me that he found out, on his last night there, how coveted they were
among the ladies who were also staying there that they had hoarded their own
supply so they could bring home a sizeable stash of the stuff. One of the bottles he brought to me was half used up. I was not amused.
2) Beds are better. The beds in fancy hotels are designed to
make you want to stay there forever. There
is something to say about a place that will actually sell you their own bedding
so you can replicate the experience at home, for several thousand dollars. And the beds are made out of actual massage
therapists.
3) Clientele is
snobby, even if they shop alongside you at Target. One of the better things about staying in
fancy hotels for me is the people watching.
I’ve seen fancy people with fancy dogs and fancy children get out of fancy
cars and stand in line with me at the fancy front desk to check into their
fancy hotel rooms. Then I’ve seen
regular people acting fancy just because they’re staying there. This is actually an easy trap to fall into,
but don’t do it. You do not have a British
accent. Remember that you bought most of
your vacation clothing at Target.
4) You will be treated
like royalty. When you arrive at
your fancy hotel, a large team of people will swarm your vehicle to help you
open the door, remove your luggage, take care of your car, and usher you into
the lobby, where another team of people is waiting to show you the front desk,
provide you with a pen, remove your sunglasses, and take all your money that is
surely weighing you down. All of them
will be asking you how you are doing and will wish you a marvelous stay and will
be at your disposal for anything at all.
You will feel like a queen in your shorts from Target.
5) You might sleep there, but you can’t afford to also eat there.
Hamburgers are $30, breakfast is $60, and a day at the pool drinking
margaritas will blow your food budget for the rest of the trip, during which you will convince yourself that you can live on one meal a day and will regret
that you took that box of granola bars out of your carry-on right before you
left home.
6) You will not be
allowed to carry your own baggage. Though
you packed it yourself and likely dragged it through an airport and into the
trunk of a rental car, when you arrive at a fancy hotel, give up the right to
carry your own bags. You might think
this is similar to #4, but it isn’t. When
you walk through the door, assume that you’ve lost all ability to lift anything
other than your own arms. It’s easier
than telling fifteen smiling men in uniforms that you really don’t need help
carrying your overnight bag that contains pajamas, a dress, and a couple pairs
of underwear.
7) Bring small bills. All the personal attention means All. The. Tipping.
8) You might be
staying in the hotel with famous people.
This does not mean that you are famous.
Beyoncé might be staying there with you, but she is not really staying
there with you. She is just in the building. You may not ride the elevator for hours
hoping to catch her on the way to the pool.
Likely her room has a pool in it, and you are not invited to her pool
party.
9) You cannot hide in
the hotel after checkout, hoping to get an extra day for free. Fancy hotels
are remarkably open structures. There
are very few places in which you will not be found. Do not joke loudly about hiding in a fancy hotel to
get an extra day for free. Trust.
10) It is not reality. Look.
This is vacation. You are not
actually the queen. When you come home, you
will be wondering for a time why no one is waiting on you, why no one is
smiling or wishing you a marvelous day. Make
it easy on your family and do all your crying in the shower. Take some time upon returning to take to your
(lumpy, neck-wrenching) bed for a few days.
I recommend a week for deprogramming.
Right now I am working for the people who stay at these hotels. Unfortunately I don't get tipped!
ReplyDeleteYou are right that the level of service is through the roof, and that all the peripheral items are so pricey that real people can't afford them.
It is easy to get sucked into that world, but unless I work 5 or 6 full time jobs, I'd never be able to afford it. I'm trying to keep my preferences on the simple side.
You now know to tell your husband that as soon as he arrives in a hotel, he should call you and tell you what brands they have there! Maybe he should bring all his own supplies so the mini bottles will all be yours.
That is a great idea! I will be sure to tell him this. Thank you! :)
DeleteI could use a few nights stay at a fancy hotel right now.
ReplyDeleteWe ALL can. Everyone needs that pampering. On a regular basis.
DeleteHolland! I stayed at the Biltmore in Phoenix once for work, super fancy. And the blueberry muffins? Holy cow delicious. Thank God I had an expense report. And it was August so we got an amazing rate. Our travel person was tripping over herself when she saw the rate. "Hang on a minute... Let me verify... Girl you are staying here and I don't care what else you say. Forget about your hotel points and trust me."
ReplyDeleteThat is great. The Biltmore IS Suuuper Fancy. I probably should disclose that I only stay in fancy hotels when my husband is on business and I'm invited. Holland! *snort*
DeleteI actually hate people taking my bag when I check into a hotel. They always take absolute ages to bring it up, and I'm one of those weirdos who have to unpack my toiletry bag IMMEDIATELY.
ReplyDeleteI do love the gorgeous beds and fluffy towels and fancy bath/ shower goodies though.
I hate it too. And then there they are in your room, and all I want to do is unpack and relax, not rummage through my purse for some money to thank the person who just rode up the elevator with my bag. I could have done that.
DeleteI am a luxury travel writer and stay/eat/spa in those fancy hotels for free. Sounds great, right? It's fabulous...until I go home and realize I'm the one that I'm responsible for my own bed and meal making. Talk about a HUGE reality check.
ReplyDeleteUgh. To do that regularly would be cause for some serious soul-searching. I'm not sure I'm mentally sound enough for that.
DeleteBut luxury travel writer sounds so... luxurious and wonderful. You probably have little bottles of Bulgari shampoo littering your bathroom at home. ;)
Pardon the borderline illiterate response. I'm in a fancy hotel in Maui and room service hasn't brought my coffee yet. :-)
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha. I don't feel bad for you. ;)
DeleteThis is HILARIOUS- and I feel the exact same way about L'Occitane products. I won't even let anyone staying with me use them at the actual hotel. That's what Suave is for, people.
ReplyDeleteYou are exactly right, and why they sell travel-sized bottles of shampoo at Target. Hands off the good stuff.
DeleteYou brought back wonderful memories of the few times I've stayed in a really nice hotel and now I am sitting here pretending that I am doing just that again.
ReplyDeleteExcept those hotels did not come with screaming kids. Imma need to talk to Management. ;)
Yes. My place of employment really needs to step it up in the personal service department, too.
DeleteOur "fancy" is Embassy Suites, and I love love love it. The beds! The crisp, white comforters! I want to live there.
ReplyDelete"I want to live here" - exactly how I feel when looking around for a place to hide after a particularly nice hotel visit.
DeleteDo you know what I've noticed about fancier hotels? No. Free. Coffee. What's UP with that?!
ReplyDeleteOr complimentary breakfast. And, as my husband points out, rarely do they also have free Wifi. Which doesn't make any sense.
DeleteFancy hotels make me uncomfortable. True story.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. Is it the swarms of people trying to help? Or the inflated food prices? There are so many things that could be improved, even in fancy places.
DeleteThe beds are the best. So very comfy.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the fuss of people wanting to carry all the things for me - I like to carry my own stuff. Probably a sure sign that I have not stayed at fancy hotels very often.
I don't like to be fussed over either. I would prefer to merely know that they are there to help if I ask for it, and then have the help be prompt and impeccable. I don't like my first experience when staying in a nice place to be saying "No, thank you" a zillion times.
DeleteThis post just made me want to book a week at the Four Seasons anywhere!!! Oh I do love a fancy hotel! :)
ReplyDeleteWhen you get there, don't forget about hoarding the L'Occitane.
DeleteNow I want a bed made out of massage therapists! And also I want to go somewhere fancy :) Sigh, stuck here at home for the foreseeable future though. xx.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, me too. Oh well.
DeleteHA! This is hilarious, and oh so true.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jennie! ::sigh::
Delete20150523wengdongdong
ReplyDeletecheap louis vuitton handbags
ralph lauren sale
abercrombie and fitch
louis vuitton outlet
polo ralph lauren
ray bans
kate spade outlet
christian louboutin sale
michael kors handbags
toms shoes
jordan 11
michael kors outlet
jordan 11 low
abercrombie
oakley sunglasses cheap
michael kors
yoga pants
pandora jewelry
air jordan 13
michael kors outlet online sale
louis vuitton
hollister
abercrombie & fitch
lululemon
tod's shoes
coach outlet store online
insanity workout
retro jordans
michael kors outlet
coach outlet
abercrombie
concords 11
louis vuitton
retro jordans
abercrombie
2015831dongdong
ReplyDeleteair jordans
cheap jerseys
celine
michael kors outlet online
ray ban uk
louis vuitton
michael kors bag
replica watches
toms shoes
jordan 4
instyler curling iron
ray-ban sunglasses
marc jacobs
louis vuitton
nike roshe run women
nfl jerseys
abercrombie kids
toms outlet
ray ban glasses
air max 90
hollister clothing
louis vuitton handbags
timberland earthkeepers
true religion outlet
oakley sunglass
ray bans
celine outlet
toms outlet
tods shoes
polo ralph lauren
michael kors outlet
coach
longchamp outlet
michael kors outlet
michael kors outlet online
louis vuitton handbags
coach outlet
michael kors outlet online
adidas superstar shoes
air max uk