Friday, January 17, 2014

SOS


I’m a jeans girl.

Dark-rinse jeans, faded jeans, skinny jeans, dressy jeans, boot-cut jeans.  I have jeans for working outside and jeans for lounging on the couch.  There’s even a pair of jeggings that I love but I don’t know that they count.

I’ve always been lackadaisical about the fit – if they feel good, I’m good – but zone in on the length instead.  Not all styles of jeans come in various lengths for women.  They do for men, because the world is catered to men, but let’s not get into that today.  I have been known to stand in the middle of a jeans store and declare loudly, “I can’t shop here.  They don’t carry jeans in long lengths.”  Then I flip my hair and stalk out and vow never to shop there again.  Until they have a huge sale and there I am, snapping up a pair of flares that hit me right at the ankle.  No matter – into the boots they go.

I know what you’re thinking: Premium denim, Andrea.  Go for the goods.  Well, then.  Let’s pretend I don’t have hundreds to spend on a pair of lounge-on-the-couch and clean the toilets jeans.  Better yet, let me say it a different way: I think it's ridiculous to spend hundreds on a pair of lounge-on-the-couch and clean the toilets jeans.

Because of my affinity for denim pants, I’ve educated myself.  I know to stay away from ultra-low rise and conversely, super high waists.  I know to run screaming from tapered legs, front patch pockets, wide leg openings, and loose fit for my body type.  But the choices are narrowing for me.

Recently I heard that you shouldn’t wear bling on your jeans past age 40.  And why not?  I have a pair that sports a rhinestone button.  It’s always covered by my shirt.  Should I really get rid of them?  Please tell me I shouldn’t get rid of them.  Well, okay.  I really only wear them in the winter.  I guess I could get a new pair without the sparkles.  Into the giveaway pile they go.

What alarms me most is that the back pocket size of jeans is increasing in importance.  That if you choose unwisely, your butt will have the unfortunate effect of appearing larger, or square, or long, or lumpy.  Okay, I made up that last one.  But I am concerned.

Some of the pockets in the backs of my jeans are smaller than others.  Will my butt look bigger or smaller if the pocket is big?  What if it is small?  Will my butt appear Goliath-esque when pitted against a diminutive pocket? 

Placement is also key.  Wearing a pair of jeans with lower pockets will make your butt look younger.  Wearing them with high pockets constitutes [sucking in breath] mom jeans.

When I received this snippet of intel, I rushed to my closet and tried on every last pair of my jeans.  They all had high pockets.  What fresh hell is this world turning into?  I didn’t know that I was unwittingly telling the world that I’m a mom through my jeans pockets.  The rules are against me.  Against all of us.

I really don’t see a way out of this predicament.  I just bought a pair of jeans that were on the fast track to becoming my favorites, the pair I reach for when my day jumps from one thing to the next.  Grocery store, dental cleaning, laundry, school pick-up.  Who knows where my day might end – I might have to rush out to buy a poster board or drop off a casserole.  I need jeans that are with me for the long haul, those that I’m not fantasizing about clawing off my body at 5 pm.  In addition, I can't just scrap the collection of jeans that I’ve curated over the years and start all over.  I retrieve my rhinestone-encrusted jeans from the thrift store pile and sadly hang them back in my closet.

I’m defeated.  Resignation looms.

I’m a mom, and I wear Mom jeans.

Help.

Traitors.

*******

34 comments:

  1. I'm a HUGE fan of American Eagle jeans! Their skinny kick jeans and high(really not that high) waist jeggings have changed my life. They fit a mom yet have lower pockets and make your butt look amazing...and they are like $25 because they are always having some sale.

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    1. OMG American Eagle? I'm always telling my husband he is too old for that store. I may have to slip away there quietly myself. Thanks for the tip!

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  2. I am in the same boat. I've wrestled this one ever since I saw a post a few years ago with some lady trying on all these different jeans, all showing how mom-ish or not they made her look, and demonstrating how mere pocket placement can quadruple the size of your butt (or at least it's appearance). And I agree...I don't have hundreds to shell out for jeans, half of which are already torn in all the right places, which to me says they will be unfashionable in about 1.8 years anyway. They're not in it for the long haul with me. I began to feel defeated, and just think "who cares".

    Then I realized that is exactly how women end up wearing polyester, elastic waist pants...at some point they, too, thought "meh...who cares." Then I went into full fledged panic. I'm still there. I'm also having the same conundrum with shoes...because with all the running around, my feet freaking hurt...is my only option grandma shoes?!?!

    If you find answers to these, the world's pressing questions, please share!!!

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    1. I do not have the answers! I'm thinking of hiring a personal shopper. Thinking. Not actually doing it. Do SAHMs have stylists?

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  3. Sorry. No help here. I've found no jeans with large enough pockets to make my butt look small. I think that's going to take something like lipo, or God forbid, exercise.

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    1. I agree that exercise helps somewhat, but not totally. Maybe I'll just stock up on tunics.

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  4. You should see my face. After the holidays, my boyfriend jeans just became mom jeans. I feels your pain.

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    1. I'm a little jealous of your ability (even if it was previous) to wear boyfriend jeans. One day I put on a pair of my husband's jeans just for kicks, and then I cried.

      Some may say "Own it, girl. OWN your mom body in those mom jeans."

      I just can't do it.

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  5. My job requires that I wear dark wash jeans to work every day. Unadorned jeans. Well, that mandate has brought me to tears in many a store. Having not had kids, I don't have hips - my hip bones point straight forward. Most jeans, if you look at them when you are not wearing them, are cut with extra fabric on the hips. What happens if you don't have hips? All the extra material is baggy ... in the crotch! This is really not the look I'm going for.

    So despite being in my 40s, I have to shop for jeans in the juniors section. Try finding unadorned back pockets there! Hence the tears.

    Thank you for listening to my rant. I feel better now. Not as good as if they made pants to fit my body, but better nonetheless.

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    1. Thanks for your perspective, Tammy! I'm sure it's hard to find unadorned jeans in any junior section. Your comment about the baggy crotch made me giggle, and then feel bad - the jeans conundrum touches all of us, no matter our body type. Have you tried American Eagle? :)

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  6. Haha! I bet none of your jeans are momish.

    I am a GAP jeans girl all the way. baby. Okay, fine, Gap OUTLET if I'm being honest. I would make sweet passionate love to my Gap boyfriend jeans if I could. And my second favorite are the jeans I said I would never wear - skinnies. And now that I finally bought my first pair of tall boots? I think I need some jeggings because I'm afraid even my skinnies will bunch up and make me look like a fraud.

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    1. I stuff my flares into a pair of tight socks and zip the tall boots over them. That is my secret for avoiding knee-bunching. And YES to the skinnies - I never thought I'd love them either because of the whole tapered leg nightmare of the 80s.

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  7. So, for my 40th birthday this year, my husband got me a spa morning and the rest of the day/evening with some money at king of Prussia mall. He knew I wanted a new pair of jeans since after 2 kids, most of my other pairs no longer fit right. I tried on jeans from nordstroms (ranging from $180-$250) though knowing I would never spend that much. I was really just curious if these $200 jeans would make look like I had the ass of the 20 year old who was trying to sell them to me. Then I went to all of the specialty jean stores. Nothing. I decided to check out the Levi's store. After complaining to a young female associate about the 30 pairs of jeans I tried on with no luck, she said "would you be willing to try on a pair of men's jeans?" I left there with my now favorite pair of jeans - men's Levi's 513's.

    As for the sneaks (or tennis shoes being from western PA) I'm always sporting my various colors of chuck Taylor's. My husband doesn't like the shoes, but who cares.

    I'm a men's Levi's and chuck girl. I may not be the fancy mom in stilettos and animal print dresses, but I'm happy and move a lot faster than they do! ; )

    Jennie Ucciardi Garver (I can't out how to post here other than choosing anonymous)

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    1. Oh, Jennie! This made me laugh so much. How I wish that I could have a day dedicated to finding the perfect jeans. My husband and son wear 513s, but I never thought of trying them for myself! I wore men's Levis in high school and college - why not when I'm 40?

      I'm totally with you on the chucks, too. I think it's a throwback to high school. ;)

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  8. Oh, jeans. Jeans shopping is right up there with bathing suit shopping for me. Which is unfortunate, because I wear jeans 98% of the time (my mom uniform staple) and I need jeans. If I find a pair I like that don't break the bank, I usually buy 2 because who knows when I will find another pair that I like?

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    1. Your comment made me think of how nightmarish it would be if I wore a bathing suit 98% of the time. And then thankful that my only problem is wearing mom jeans. :)

      I need to get better about buying two pairs of the jeans I love. I buy one of each and wear out one while the others languish in my closet.

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  9. Honestly, who knew this was so hard? I'm just happy enough to have dumped 15 pounds and fit back into my not-as-fat jeans. And there is no pocket on the planet that is going to make my butt look smaller. Not gonna happen.

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    1. No-as-fat jeans. Yeah, girl. I know that. :)

      Good for you! Fifteen pounds is amazing!!!

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  10. I have about 20 pairs of jeans (used to be 30, I gave the rest to my now-skinnier-than-me-sister), and I only wear one. I wear it everywhere. It's my go-to jeans for travel. I wore if at my skinniest. I wore it up until I was 6 months pregnant. I love them. I haven't found another pair quite like it. Hence, 20 pairs.

    I haven't checked if the pockets or high or low, but they're just right for me. Mom jeans? Okay then. (also, I am 5'3:, it's really hard to find jeans I don't need to hem)

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    1. I totally get how a person can have 20 pairs of jeans and wear only one. This is the reason why I'm always on the lookout for more, because that one pair will need to be replaced soon.

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  11. Ha! Love this. At (barely) 5'1" I'm mostly concerned that my jeans don't drag well past my feet, which has been known to happen on occasion. I think I have a pair with sparkles on the back pocket. Guess I should toss those, huh? Levi's are my go-to brand, but only if they're on sale, and I can't remember if they're in style this year or not. It seems to vary wildly.

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    1. I also have trouble keeping up with the trends, and still bow to the creator of the bootcut jean. I love Levi's too, but they are often picked over and I have a hard time finding my size and length. The non-bling thing really threw me for a loop. How am I going to appear hip and vital without a little bit of glitter?

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  12. Confession: I had one pair of jeans that I loved and wore constantly. Until I found a new pair that fit, and now I wear those constantly. I only wear the old ones on laundry day or jeans-just-came-out-of-dryer day. And, if truth be told, neither of them fit me very well. I'm pretty sure I constantly show plumber-butt in my fave pair. Ugh. I DEFINITELY need new jeans. I hate buying jeans.

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    1. Jeans shouldn't be hard! This world has managed to make the world's most basic type of clothing nearly impossible to buy.

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  13. Bahahah. I haven't worn jeans since oh, maybe August of last year. I live in leggings now, especially while pregnant. I'll be back in your boat probably by next fall. Buying all the jeans, adding to my collection, hoarding jeans whether they make my butt look good or not. p.s. I have the opposite problem. At 5'2" I have to go for the petites or shorts and….that's a whole different problem. xx.

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    1. If I looked good in leggings, I'd wear leggings. But I don't. Nobody really needs to see that happen. Enjoy your time wearing them!

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  14. I love this post! Sadly I only own 2 pairs of jeans right now. Before - when I was still bigger and heavier, finding the right size jeans were a pain in you know where. Then I lost weight then as my rear end starts to shape you'd think it will be easier to find jeans too? Nope! Now the waist is loose but the butt fits and the thighs too tight and jeans fits awkwardly. Hah! yoga pants it is oh and does jeans skirts counts? I love them! ;)

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    1. I don't really think jeans skirts count, although they are really cute. :)

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  15. What fresh hell is this world coming to?

    I really love my new dark jeans because there is stretch. Do you hear me? STRETCH!

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    1. Oh, I hear the stretch, all right. There's a reason why I don't wear seersucker. Other than I'm not in a barbershop quartet. :)

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  16. Andrea, you kill me. IN a good WAY!! I just laughed so hard at those last few paragraphs, I almost peed my Mom Jeans! ;p

    And if it makes you feel any better all my pockets look small because I have a rather large arse.

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    1. Ha ha - "peed my Mom Jeans" - they really should build something in to take care of this problem.

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  17. OMG, so many jeans! I hate jean shopping for all of the reasons above! We need a personal shopper!

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    1. I've been saying that for years. I need someone to tell me what looks good! :)

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