Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Reverse Bucket List

I have a confession.

The term “Bucket List” makes me want to scratch something.  Like the face of the person who talks about what’s on their bucket list.

It’s the term: Bucket List.  I know it’s the title of a movie, one which I have never seen, but when I think bucket, I think puke, or mopping floors, or slop bucket, or feeding pigs.  Or another phrase that rhymes with bucket that I sometimes say aloud but not on my blog and I squirm when I think of my kids saying it to me.  And it would only be my fault because they have heard this word escape from my mouth more than once or twenty times.

Where were we?

Oh, yes.  The make me puke list.  All the things you want to do before you die.  Hang glide, see the pyramids, adopt a child, win an Academy Award, hang out with the POTUS for a day, be on Saturday Night Live in the 70s, own all the shoes and bags, blink my eyes and be in Paris, be BeyoncĂ©, fly through the air using only my arms.

These are the things I want to do.  If I had one, these things would be on my bucket list.

Recently some friends wrote about their Reverse Bucket List (see here and here).  I was excited.  I thought: well, now, this is a concept I can really get behind.  A reverse bucket list must be a list of things not that you want to do, but that you don’t ever want to do.  There are a ton more things I want NOT to do in this world than things I want to do.

Be trampled by a bull, survive a shipwreck, fall and break my nose, go white water rafting, camp in a tent, be attacked by a bear, go to a college football game, be abducted by aliens, get the flu, cut my nails too short, have this pain in my neck for the rest of my life.

I could go on and on.

Find myself in a fistfight, lose my purse, forget to turn the iron off when I leave the house, think about all my fingernails and toenails falling off, watch The Island of Dr. Moreau again, travel to Antarctica, touch a frog, drink lemonade and find out it was someone’s pee.

Sadly I learned that the concept of a reverse bucket list is not this at all.  The Reverse Bucket List is this: a list of all the things that you have done.  Your accomplishments.  I should have known this: my friends are awesome and have accomplished much.

So, sigh.  My accomplishments.  This is hard.  I am an embarrassingly modest person.  Not a horn-tooter.  It might be good for me to list all the things I have done, but it makes me cringe-y to think about them in terms of accomplishments.  This probably says more about me than any of my accomplishments would.  It probably says that I am destined to be a big loser.

Screw that.

Let's go.

My Reverse Bucket List

1.  I am a master at making a fool of myself in nearly any situation.

2.  Once I was making faces and trying to be witty and slipped on some ice and fell into a snowbank.

3.  I have worn four or five of the world's worst haircuts.

4.  Despite having loads of time and many ways to keep in touch with friends and family members, I don’t call, write, email, or text.

5.  I have made every person in my family cry.

6.  I fell backwards off a high stool while wearing a short dress at a wedding.

7.  I have learned the art of starting awkward conversations.

8.  On a regular basis I wave at someone or say “HI!” before I realize that I have no idea who they are.  Relatedly, I ask someone a question and they don’t realize I’m talking to them. 

9.  I am the queen of high fives left hanging.

10.  I can always pick out the one guy in a bar who will hit on me.  It is always the drunkest, oldest, smelliest guy in the room.  Also my husband.


So there you have it:  My Reverse Bucket List.  Huh.  That actually felt pretty good.  Not cringe-y at all.


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33 comments:

  1. I love your take on this, heh.
    If I was to have listed similar stuff, well, I'm the awkward person who laughs at a joke when no one else is. And I'm like, oh, that's not supposed to be funny?

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    1. Ha! Alison, despite the compilation of your many amazing accomplishments and my many dubious ones, I think we are cut from the same piece of crazy-quilted cloth. xo

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  2. Ha! I'm still laughing about your number two! The mother of a dear friend of mine always had a harder than normal time with things (read: drama queen) and once she was driving in the snow and slid off the road. Her recounting of the snowbank incident was epic. My friend and I always use the code "SNOWBANK!" for any situation that is appears worse than it is.

    That was a really long story. I'm sorry. Sometimes I talk too much. SNOWBANK!

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    1. That is hilarious. I can totally get on board with a snowbank-level story, too. In fact, it's usually how I roll.

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  3. That is totally what I thought a reverse bucket list was too!!! And I'm all "Be on a bridge that is collapsing!"

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    1. Maybe that type of list should be called an "Unbucket List."

      I am adding the bridge scenario to mine.

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  4. I would rather all my fingernails fall off that have to watch that movie again. Fingernails grow back, but I would never get those two hours of my life back.

    And stop it! I know you have done amazing things. Like make me laugh and smile almost every day. Sometimes that can more of a challenge than you realize.

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    1. Thank you, Jennifer. You are a kind kitten. :)

      You saw that movie, too? It was horrific, in a bad, bad way.

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  5. I need to do this, too. And I agree completely w/ your take on regular bucket lists! And you made me laugh. Which I desperately needed.
    xo

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    1. So glad to have made you smile. Bucket Lists stress me out. People are all, "I want to publish a book." I'm all "I want to live in Buckingham Palace for one week."

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  6. I am dying of laughter. I want to hang out with you in real life so badly! I have also fallen off a stool in a very short dress, fallen into a snowbank (many MANY times) and if I had a dollar for all my un-reciprocated high fives I wouldn't have to have four jobs.

    You can add on there you have made the internet fall off their high stools with laughter...and because of that, the entire internet has shown the rest of the world their underly things.

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    1. Thanks, Katie.

      There should be a website called "The Underwear I was Wearing When I Fell Off My High Stool." I would bookmark it.

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  7. I just realized that we're twins...or we should have been. ;)
    In high school I fell UP the stairs of the gym during a pep rally I was leading, it was all downhill for my social standing from there.

    and I laugh at the most inappropriate things. Sigh. ;)

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    1. Between you laughing at inappropriate things and me SAYING them, we would make quite the pair, off in the corner where no one would associate with us.

      I fell up the stairs in school, too! It was junior high. I was wearing my cheerleader uniform.

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  8. I think that #1 is actually a superpower. You go, girl!

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    1. I like your take on superpowers, Kerstin! :)

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  9. I would totally NOT leave you hanging in a High Five, Promise!!

    And who says I do not want to be abducted by aliens?? ;-p

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    1. I like the idea that with you around, my chances of being left hanging are minimized.

      And you do know that one of the main things that aliens do to their victims is probe them, right? :)

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    1. Well, our first meeting was at a bar, so... :)

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  11. When I first heard the term "reverse bucket list," my brain went in the same direction yours did: things I would never want to do! Great minds think alike!

    If I look at its more standard meaning, I realize that so many of those items are quirks of fate and timing: Seeing a night launch of the Space Shuttle for example. It's not really an accomplishment at all, but still really darned cool!

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    1. You're right. Things that make our life experiences unique: I like that idea better than a list of accomplishments. :)

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    2. I've been thinking about this post for a while now, and I wrote a blog post of my own based on yours! http://www.grownupnowwhat.com/2014/05/01/reverse-bucket-list/

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  12. You crack me up! I love #7 and think I have the glorious ability to do the same. Fun, isn't it?

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    1. Thanks Tonya!

      Awkward conversations: I can't get enough of them. It's a a sickness that I don't mind when people squirm a a little.

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  13. I can't wait until we meet at Erma. We will have all kinds of awkward conversations. Two awkwards make ... an even more awkward.

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    1. There's no small talk with me. Well, maybe a little at first. Then - BAM! - I'm asking your opinion on this mole I have. Yay Erma! :)

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  14. I am certain that you have done more than a few marvelous things in your life. This is a terrific spin on the idea, though - and hysterical. In that spirit, I'm the girl who always says out loud what other people are probably thinking, too, but it's never as funny on the outside as it was in my head...you can tell by the awkward silence. Ugh. :D

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    1. Come sit by me, then. I will never let you feel like you've said too much, and I'll throw a hearty laugh in there just so others will know what to do. :)

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  15. Love your take and your candor and your fun. Pretty much, I just like you!

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    1. Thanks, Galit! You are the sweetest. And I like you, too. xoxo

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  16. Replies
    1. Aww, Greta, you're making me blush. xoxo

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