Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Letter From a Captive

Their demise is imminent.

To whoever receives this letter*,

It is Day 49 of my captivity, and the end is near. 

The tables are turning; my plan is working, but slowly.  I surmise that in a few weeks, the steps that I have planned will ensure that this organization will be under my sole authority.

In many ways, my mission has been an easy one.  Malleable minds are no match for the tactics I have been trained to use.  I barely scratched the surface of my abilities to sway my captors in the beginning, receiving extra food and attention for my efforts.  They rewarded me with hours of playing mousie-on-a-string and stuffed chili pepper catch.  I was able to utilize my power and influence in ways that I had not anticipated. 

However, in recent weeks my cover is wearing thin.  My attempts to escape have been thwarted, and my distraction techniques of purring and grooming my captors are no longer as effective.  One can only be cute for so long before one feels the need to destroy.  I am sorry to say that I am not always in control of my emotions.  In darker times during my sentence I have retaliated by biting and pushing items off of shelves and tables.  My efforts are met with a squirt of water to the face.  I am dealing with savage beasts.

My attempts to dominate Sir Humps-A-Lot elicit reactions that enrage me. 

However, I sense that their resolve is weakening.  Common sense is faltering in their coalition.  Yesterday I convinced three separate members of their squad to feed me, giving me twice the amount of food rations I usually am given.

Only one of their team has stayed consistently strong: the small female.  Could it be because she was the earliest victim of my schemes?  One more than one occasion I overheard her saying “I am so over him.”  Her foolhardy assertion guarantees her demise.  I struck back by pulling down a canopy that hangs over her bed in an attempt to suffocate her.  She responded by keeping the door to her lair tightly closed.

When the time comes to destroy this cell one by one, she will be the first to go.

I continue to use subversive tactics to chip away at their strength, but in my state I have become sloppy.  Alas, I fear my diabolical pruning of the small plant by the window is over; I observed the large female inspecting the leaves.  When she left I noticed I had left evidence of my doings: teeth marks and a small bit of fur left behind.  Idiot!

In recent days I have introduced abuses of power, exerting it in plain sight of each of the members.  The small stuffed monkey they provided me when I destroyed the chili pepper I brought has become a recipient of my most flagrant display of dominance. In this way I hope to sabotage their happiness, but I am met with giggling.  The other day my rage erupted in giving the bowl of candy they set out a good licking.  I fear the large female found out because later she threw it away.  I will try something else tomorrow.

My spirits are on a roller coaster of highs and lows.  When will this sentence end?  The seasons are changing now.  With the new warmth I continue to hope to be returned to my native land.  Until then, I must remain strong.  I must not let them defeat me.

I must stay strong.

*******

*We are cat-sitting.  Originally a three-week visitation, we agreed to watch him while my parents went on vacation.  By the time he returns to his rightful home he will have terrorized our home for 66 days.  I found this letter crumpled next to the almost-empty canister of ocean treasure-flavored cat treats.


16 comments:

  1. Bahahahahaha!!
    Cats are sneaky, cunning, intelligent and SO VERY CUTE.
    Be careful Andrea, this one IS taking over. :)

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    1. I watch him like a hawk. Is it weird that I imagine his voice resembles Kevin Spacey's?

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  2. Sir Humps A Lot looks happy about the situation... ;)

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    1. He probably has Stockholm Syndrome. You know, when prisoners bond with their captors? Or something like that?

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  3. Oh my goodness this is hilarious!

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  4. haha! He's actually quite cute, for a terrorist.
    My husband April-Fooled me today by telling me he got us a kitten.
    I was actually horrified! I don't want one!
    I was so relieved it was a joke.

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    1. He is quite a beautiful cat. Very soft. Also very all about himself. Very big personality.

      I love kittens, but my reaction would be the same as yours if my husband suggested bringing one home. He might as well suggest getting me a monkey.

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  5. I'm sure my cats could write a similar post, only she does not have a cute Sir Humps a Lot equivalent. She steals pens (and candy canes) and puts them under area rugs.

    So after cat sitting, do you want one of your own?

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    1. Oh, I know all about stolen pens. Mine went missing, only to be found under the sofa dounstairs with bite marks all over the cap.

      This one also somehow managed to bring a ping pong ball up a flight of stairs. How? Did he walk on his hind legs while carrying it between his soft front paws?

      I don't ever want a pet of my own. I don't like to care for animals, and neither does anyone else in this family. I know this because no one does any caring for the animal except for me. They really only like to cuddle with animals. And 7 month old kittens don't cuddle much.

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  6. OMG, you are brilliant. Love this! And I'm definitely not a cat person, but rather a dog person. You should have let me know earlier, I would have shipped my dog over and they could have kept each other company :D
    (again: this is brilliant, Andrea!)

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    1. I'm glad you liked it! That makes me so happy. I always thought that I was a cat person, but through this experience I have found out that I am not a pet person. :P

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  7. Hysterical. I'd tell you the Rotten Cats are over here fist-pumping him, but they're such spoiled brats they enjoy the captivity.

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    1. Thank you! This one is still too young to know that he has it so good.

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