Thursday, June 26, 2014

Gone For Now

Another day ends, and he is still away.

I never sleep well when he’s gone.  I mean, I sleep, but I hate the end of the day.  There’s the feeling that something else needs to be done, that I should stay up and wait.  Something’s unfinished.

I never grew out of my fear of the dark; I’m not a night person.  I prefer to go to bed early, only see an hour or two of darkness before I can shut out the darkness with sleep.  When he’s gone I stay up late, until midnight or beyond.  I wake up, hungover from not enough sleep, grateful to have the night behind me.

Nothing good happens at nighttime.  It makes me feel better, safer, whole, when he is here, when our family is complete.

In the summer it’s easier.  Responsibilities are fewer, daily activities looser.  Everyone goes on vacation, kids sleep in.  There is no schedule.  Days are long; the sun sets later and the sky stays light for a while after.  Fifteen official hours of daylight today.  Fifteen hours to fill with bike rides, TV, having friends over, writing, making crafts, reading, baseball, housework, eating meals, and distracting myself from thinking about what is coming.




The sun will set again over our house and our family, minus one.

Nine hours of darkness after the sun sets may as well be fifteen, twenty, ninety.

It’s irregular, the traveling.  I’m used to it; we all are.  I like the simplicity of having one less person to care for, but it makes the coming together difficult; we live on different wavelengths and it takes time to assimilate, to reconvene.  Sometimes the weekend isn’t enough and time goes by with a low hum of tension running through everything we do.

But it’s what life looks like now.  We, like everyone else, are doing the best we can.  It’s not ideal, but it works out, mostly.  I can bear an hour or two less of sleep a few nights a month.  I will survive waiting out the darkness.

He’s gone for now, but like the sun, he’ll be back soon.

*******

This post inspired by:

Mama’s Losin’ It

Prompt #3: A blog post inspired by the words: setting sun

14 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Andrea. And, yet again (I feel like I say this to you all of the time), I understand.
    My husband will be home for one full week for the rest of this summer. The rest is travel during the week and home (mostly) on the weekends. I have to admit, though, that I don't mind having the bed to myself sometimes. But that reentry period (that's what we call it here) can be tough.

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    1. Yes. We are living parallel lives, it seems. Reentry period - that is exactly what it is. And you're right. It's tough.

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  2. I'm not a morning person, per say, but I don't like nightfall. Winter is very hard for me. It can be exciting and fun, for sure, but nothing beats that morning sun.
    And nothing beats the feeling of family being together.

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    1. The end of the day always left me a little melancholy. I never understood people who come alive at night. Vampires.

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  3. I am a night person! But I get this. Ryan doesn't travel, but my dad worked swing shifts for almost my entire youth. The change of routine was fun for us when he was around during "normal" hours, but as an adult, I can imagine it was weird for my mom at times.

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    1. It is hard when he comes home and stirs up my schedule. I might not always be very nice about it, either. :)

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  4. I was up late last night and Tim is gone right now. I was just watching HGTV and he was texting me pictures of the amazing house he is staying in in FL. Business trip? Yeah right... ;-)

    I am definitely a bit "off" when he is not here but we do okay, especially now that the kids are a bit older and the I tell the 10 yo he is now the man of the house! ha!

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    1. Yeah, I tried that with my thirteen-year-old. He didn't buy it.

      I asked my husband years ago to stop telling me the details of his meals, hotel rooms, activities on his trips. He'd be out eating lobster and I'd just be finishing up leftover spaghetti straight out of the fridge.

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  5. I don't know how you do it as frequently as you do. I totally hate it when my husband has to travel for work. Sigh.

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  6. That is a really beautiful post, Andrea. I don't know if I'd handle the Hub being gone very well. I like nighttime as long as I'm up and doing things and if he's here. And, of course, if I don't have the pressure of a wake-up time dictated by someone else's time clock. But I sure do like all of us here together under one roof. I wish you peace and rest!

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    1. Thanks, Lisa. I totally sleep through his alarm, and during the school year, I get up before him anyway when he's home, so that's no problem. The winding down part is what's hard for me when he's away.

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  7. It would be so hard to run the household with my husband away. He's a huge help with the kids and I think I would just get so lonely without another adult to talk to all the time. I'm sure it's hard for him too, traveling is exhausting!

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    1. It is exhausting, though he's used to it. We all are, and he helps with the kids any way he can when he's here. A friend, whose husband is in sales, says "I love when he's home, and I love when he's away!" It pretty much sums up how I feel, too.

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