Monday, November 3, 2014

5 Random Things About Me

As if you don’t know enough.

#1.  I have approximately 9.8 fingers.  When I was three, my brother and I were playing with the side door to our garage (or the “Man door” as we like to call it here.  Or the “Woman door” if I am using it).  We were passing a jump rope through the hinge of the door.  I don’t know why we were doing this.  I was three.   I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of the minds of three-year-olds, not even when I was one.  Anyway, as I passed the jump rope to my brother, the door slammed shut on my thumb and snipped the tip of it off.  I screamed and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.  Or a three-year-old with her thumb cut off.  We never retrieved the tip of my thumb to try and stitch it back onto my body.  My parents joke that the dog ate it.  BUT THAT’S NOT FUNNY.

Here’s a picture:

I used about 14 different photo effects
to make a close-up of my thumbs appear less horrifying.

I also challenge any one of you to take a close-up photo of your thumbs
and make it look anything but horrifying.

Okay.  You’ve seen it, you know the story.  Stop staring at my thumb.

* * *

#2.  When I was young we had this series of Time-Life books called “Mysteries of the Unknown” about all kinds of unexplainable things like psychic powers, paranormal activity, aliens, and secret societies.  One of them was about dreams, and it contained step-by-step instructions on how to put yourself in a trance and have an out-of-body experience.  I lay in my bed many nights trying to accomplish this.  I remember being very aware of the particular instruction not to sever the silver cord that connects your trance self to your real self, because if you did this you would float away into the unknown and your body would die.  I was too scared to actually achieve a trance state because I wasn’t sure about the floating part.  Also I wondered if I really wanted to leave my nice warm room to explore the cold, dark world outside.

I was kind of a dumb kid.

* * *

#3.  In the fourth grade my friends and I got caught looking up bad words in the dictionary.  Except the dictionary we were using didn’t have words like “tit” or “shit” so we had to settle for “teat” and “anus.”  We still got in trouble.  I’m sure it was the giggling that tipped off the teacher.  Either that or the scream-whispering of words like “tit” and “shit” coming from the group of nine-year-olds huddled next to the bookcase in the middle of the classroom.

* * *

#4.   Despite having a blog, I am clueless about computers and the internet.  I don’t know how it all works.  At all.  I don’t understand what the big deal is about Twitter.  I’ve never learned anything about coding or SEO or social media presence or any of the things that real bloggers talk about – it’s all totally foreign to me.  I read articles about blogging and the internet and I can read the words but I can’t figure why any of them are important.  I update Java once a week like it is the glue that holds my online life together.  I don’t even know what Java is.

* * *

#5.  I have this thing about fingernails.  I always envied people who had gorgeous long fingernails and wanted some of my own, and for years I tried to grow them out and paint them and care for them like every good girl of the 80s should.  But my nails aren’t particularly strong and I have short nail beds, which ensures that they will not grow much past the tips of my fingers without breaking and splitting. So, after trying everything to grow my nails to a luxurious length and failing, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have gorgeous long fingernails.  So I just started clipping them instead, and love them more than ever.

By the way, in my research to grow out my fingernails I found out what they are made of, which sort of grosses me out: “A nail is a horn-like envelope covering the dorsal aspect of the terminal phalanges of fingers and toes in humans, most non-human primates, and a few other mammals. Nails are similar to claws in other animals. Fingernails and toenails are made of a tough protective protein called keratin.”

Horn-like envelope.  On the end of each of my 9.8 fingers.


* * *

I am required by internet law to choose 5 bloggers to write five random facts about themselves.  I don’t want to.  I don’t know who likes to talk about themselves as much as me.  Ha ha ha, I totally do.  But I’m certainly not gonna call them out.  So, go on.  Pick yourselves.

Sigh.  The internet.  It's hard.  

*******

29 comments:

  1. My hands are bony, wrinkly, and generally like something you would find at the the ends of a 98 year old woman's wrists. There is no filter on earth that can make them not horrific :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angela - I challenge you to try. Add veiny to your list and you've got my hands. Plus, the cuticles. I am no hand model, that's for sure.

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  2. I love these things.
    When I was three, my brother and I were also playing in the garage/driveway together at which time he ran over me with his bike, breaking my leg.
    Did we have the same brother?

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    Replies
    1. Perhaps. Did he also throw a rock at your head which required you to get stitches? And WHERE WERE OUR PARENTS?

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  3. I can't believe I missed out on your missing .2 of a thumb when I met you.

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    Replies
    1. It's not something I announce. Until now, I guess.

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  4. The internet is NOT hard and you know it! ;) Sorry about your thumb incident.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Elaine! And the internet IS hard to me! I just fake it really well.

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  5. Amen to #4! I seriously feel better knowing it's not just me. Thumbs up! (too soon?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right? I try to keep up. Yeah, no. I don't.

      Ah, go ahead and make the thumb jokes. It's been long enough. :)

      Delete
  6. How on earth do you expect me to NOT stare at your thumb now that I know? Hmm I always thought there was something a little off about you. ;)

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    Replies
    1. I'd welcome a "Lemme see that thing!" hand-grab over sneaky sidelong glances any day.:)

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  7. My brother and I used to scream EYEBALLS loudly and giggle uncontrollably.
    Because we thought it was a dirty word.
    That was last year, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *SNORT* How about "weiner?" It's my favorite word to say in mixed company.

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  8. OMG. #1 made me get goosebumps and chills and DON'T EVER TELL THAT STORY AGAIN.

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    Replies
    1. It's gruesome, huh? I get a little shiver when I think about it, myself.

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  9. Java is a pain in the butt. That's what Java is.

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  10. I have no clue what Java is - I just know that occasionally I get a message that says something about JavaScript and........I usually just shut my laptop down then.
    I can't do my nails and they always look horrible so I get them done - fake nails all the way!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha - the laptop close is my go-to action when something isn't right, too! I had fake nails once - for our wedding. I played with them all night, flicking the ends of my fingertips against each other. By the end of the honeymoon I had peeled them all off.

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  11. I remember reading about the out of body thing too!!
    I tried taking photos of my toes once for some reason, and they were horrifying. I gave up.

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    Replies
    1. Ugh. I took one picture of my feet. It turned out cute, but I had to do a quick slick of polish on the nails just before.

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  12. I'm with you on the whole bunch of things covered in #4. I really have no idea. I'm married to an IT guy, though, and knows that stuff so I'm good.
    I also would love long beautiful fingernails, but my index fingers grow crooked and then the minute they are long-ish, they curl under. What the...? So nail clipper and short practical nails it is!

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    Replies
    1. I may have to pick myself to do some random facts because I can't make my brain finish any of the other posts I have piled up in my drafts. This, I think I can handle.

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    2. I envy those who have in-house IT people. And/or handy people living with them. We have neither, so we are screwed. We basically pay someone to do everything except screw in light bulbs.

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    3. And the 5 random things sound easy, because - just 5! No problem! But then I was like, uhhhh, five things? How about three? Or two?

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  13. I know nothing about blogging and yet I have had a blog for the past 4 years, only this past year have I started to learn things and I"m still lost most of the time.

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  14. So funny story...
    I also love long nails...loved...on your fingers...not on toes...and then I got a job in Detroit at a Children's hospital where parents wore acrylic nails...on their toes...long ass acrylic nails on their toes. Yup. Sexy as sin. Imagine that rubbing that against the back of your calf at night...yuk

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