Recently
a friend and I were talking with some teen girls about relationships. “Do you
get along with your parents?” we asked the girls. “Yes, but not always,” they
said.
We
pressed them. “When do you fight?”
The
answers came easy: “When I don’t clean my room.” “When my siblings and I
argue.” “When I talk back.”
“Why
do you do these things?” we asked.
The
girls paused. These answers needed more thought. The girls weren’t sure why
they do these things. Behaving a certain way comes naturally, but explaining
why we do what we do isn’t always easy.
“I
fight with my brother because he annoys me.”
“I
talk back because I am frustrated.”
“I
don’t do chores because I don’t want to.”
Then
one girl chimed in and summed it all up for us:
“We’re
teenagers! We’re supposed to act this way! We’re angry all the time! We’re lazy!” They all agreed that this was
their lot in life, at least for the next few years.
It
was disheartening. These were other
people’s children, the peers of my own teens.
I didn’t like that they were describing themselves like this, because I
don’t see my children this way.
* * *
One
of the most important truths in parenting, and one that has stuck with me from
the moment I read it is this:
The way you talk to your children becomes their inner voice.
What
do kids hear that makes them accept that they are angry and lazy? The teens I
know show up to school every day, go to class, do their homework, appear to be
clean and well groomed, care for expensive electronics, maintain friendships,
have reasonable relationships with adults, juggle hobbies and extra-curricular
activities and family time and vacations, and maybe have a moment of snark or a
messy room, but for the most part live their full lives well. These are people
who carry on lively conversations, are active most days and nights, keep up
with hectic schedules, and manage to do it all and stay healthy in the
process.
These
are not markers of the lazy. Their
laughter, carefree attitudes, and occasional silliness do not scream “angry.”
It
saddens me that teenagers still receive the message that they are awful to be
around, that they still internalize labels like Angry and Lazy. Every new
parent has worried about parenting teenagers. Comments like “I’m scared of
them” “I’m not ready to deal with their issues” “I don’t even want to think
about the teen years” “I want to keep my kids little forever” – all are
prevalent in casual conversations with anyone who has an opinion on parenting
teens.
The
truth is that kids adapt and change with age like all current adults have done,
like we continue to do. As children
grow older, they are able to understand more of what adults understand. It’s
something that adults might forget because the process of growing and aging is
too close. How many parents take time to examine who they were as teens and
remember how they felt and behaved without the haze of their current hang-ups
blurring the view?
Teens
aren’t lazy or angry; they are in the process of learning that they are free to
make choices apart from the constant monitoring of parents. They have a choice
to do chores or avoid them, to argue or agree, to stay silent or express their
opinions. Adults don’t have as much control over teens, because teens are
realizing more control over themselves. But teens aren’t fully adult yet, and
they still need guidance.
* * *
I’ve
learned that this is my time to walk closely alongside my teens and not carry them or follow them with arms
out ready to catch them when they fall, or drag them along by the hand, or
insist on redirecting their behavior. The teen years are the gray area of
parenting, the nebulous and one-size-fits-no-one years. They are the important
years, because they are also the hardest.
As kids get older, they need their parents more than ever.
I’m
not a perfect parent. I’ve told my kids to stop being lazy, to shape up and do
what they’re told, to cut out whatever behavior is annoying or frustrating me
at the moment. I’ve said disrespectful things to them that I later regret, and
usually apologize for. I do these things less often as we grow together, as we
all get older and wiser. As I realize
that they are modeling their own behavior on mine, I’ve learned to behave
better.
I’m
learning to be a better parent to my teens for their benefit and for mine. Just as I read baby books
and tried out various ways of child-rearing when my kids were small, so am I
continuing my education as they get older. As a parent and a person, I am
improving. I only have two kids, and that doesn’t make me an expert on
parenting or children. I am learning how
to raise the two children under my care using the best of my ability and
resources, and it is often a trial-and-error process. My goal is to send them
from this place emotionally strong and secure, self-confident and sure in their
own skills, with a sense of who they are in the world and how they can
contribute positively to it.
It’s
a tall order. I’m not sure that I would have taken the job had I been able to
see this far into the future. Normally I’m not up to that big of a challenge,
if I can clearly see the obstacles ahead. But I took on the
responsibility, and I am committed to it.
This
means that I will not accept that teenagers are angry and lazy. I will not
agree that they are difficult to manage. I do not think that they are alien
beings that took over the bodies and brains of former young and cute cherubs.
They are great, cool people who are excited to discover something new, who are
full of life and the capacity for love, who eagerly try out new freedoms and
who can teach me to do the same. I enjoy them immensely. My role is to walk
beside them into adulthood, to work out a way to relate to them without being
overbearing, to protect them without suppressing, to encourage them when they
fall and cheer for them when they get back up again.
And above all, to love them.
My
kids need me as their parent; that will never change. I can do a lot for my own
teens and others who come into my life, but at the core of what I do for them
is love them, which is what I’ve always been able to give children of any age.
It’s also what I believe they need to hear, especially now. If they get through
life knowing that they were loved, then I have done my job well.
The most important thing a teen will learn is love.
*******