Thursday, March 3, 2016

Clearly I Have a Problem




Easter is almost here, you guys. 

You know, the second-best candy holiday, after Halloween.

I grew up a candy-holic, like most of my family members. We get our sweet teeth directly from the elder members, who encouraged candy consumption at any time and without limits. We could count on bowls full of sugar being proffered on the regular. Rarely a family gathering ends without the mauling of a Costco-sized bag of candy by children and adults alike.

And all the dentists shouted AMEN.

This sort of upbringing lends itself to intense sugar cravings, because anyone who’s anyone knows that sugar is a bad, bad, man for addictive types. 

It also lends itself to a person knowing exactly what she likes when it comes to candy.

I am generally a non-discriminatory candy eater. I will eat a half-dozen jelly orange slices just as blissfully as I would savor a small piece of the finest Swiss chocolate. But I do have some favorites, candies that I regularly snag at the gas station, scoop in bulk at the grocery store, and hide from my grabby sugar-addled monster children.

Here are just ten of my favorites:

1.  Red Vines. You can buy giant bags of Red Vines in short lengths as well as movie-sized boxes in longer lengths, but these are a rip-off. Purchasing ten long plasticky red-flavored snacks for a dollar when you can get 48 ounces of short ones for three bucks is not a sound financial decision. They will hurt your teeth and your stomach the same after eating four in a row, but oh, the satisfying chew of these questionable treats. Are they strawberry? Cherry? I don’t even care.

2. Skor. If you don’t bite into the waxy chocolate top just hard enough to break the chocolate but not the toffee, and then slide the chocolate off carefully with your top teeth, eating the chocolate first and then the toffee, then don't come around here anymore until you learn how to act.

Buy them for me at Amazon


3. Butterfinger. I love Butterfingers so much that I don’t even mind that they stick to my teeth for hours afterwards. I almost can’t talk about them, I love them so. They’re chocolate and some sort of peanut buttery layered delicious crunchy stuff. My kids don’t share them at Halloween and this is the number one reason why I regret having children.

4. Cotton Candy. One of the best parts of summer, because it’s everywhere. I will mow down a linebacker for a fresh cone of cotton candy. I’m not sharing get your own.

5. Cadbury Mini-Eggs. Guess what, Rodney? They make these in dark, white, and milk chocolate flavors now. This genius decision by the Cadbury Mini-Egg people leads me to believe that they probably have a pretty solid world domination scheme in the works.

6. Good & Plenty. My favorite bulk buy. Scoff if you want at my love for this sweet and black licorice treat, but the fact that you think G&Ps are the worst guarantees that there will be more for me. That’s how that works, losers.

7. Pretzel M&Ms. I haven’t eaten these in years, because for a while I was buying the Big Bag once a week and consuming the whole thing all by myself. I quit them cold turkey and dream about them every single day, but I’m not safe with them around.


8. Laffy Taffy. I craved grape Laffy Taffy when I was pregnant, and ate it like it was candy. I’m not altogether sure what it is, but I still love it more than you love your middle child. I also ate a can of Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder like it was my last meal every day when I was pregnant, so make your own conclusions about the quality of my pregnancy cravings.

9. Bit-O-Honey. This is a nostalgic one – my grandparents always had a bowl of BOHs in their dining room. They were hard as rocks, and we’d eat them one after another, testing our fillings and scattering the red and yellow wax wrappers all over. Then we’d climb the walls and Grandma would offer us donuts and root beer.

10. Chocolate-covered pomegranates. Currently plowing through an industrial-sized bag of these myself, because no one else in my house likes them. They make me feel fancy because they come in a fancy package, but everyone knows that they’re just chocolate covered fruit snacks, which hello, kids’ fruit snack companies, you really missed the boat on this one.

I didn’t even begin to cover my love for the chocolate-caramel-nougat-nut combinations in every candy bar on the market. It’s criminal, and maybe even a little bit sick.

My stomach hurts.

*******
This post inspired by:


Mama’s Losin’ It

Prompt #1: List your top ten favorite candies.

22 comments:

  1. I forgot cotton candy and Laffy Taffy on my list! What is wrong with me?!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG what IS wrong with you!?!?!?

      Ha ha ha, just kidding. Cotton candy is easy to forget about because it's seasonal, like Girl Scout Cookies. Who says "Thin Mints" when asked about their favorite cookie? People give general flavors like "Chocolate Chip" or "Sugar" or "Oatmeal Raisin" when asked.

      Just kidding - nobody says Oatmeal Raisin.

      Delete
  2. Cadbury Creme Eggs have to be the BEST Easter candy EVER.

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    Replies
    1. They are! Icing-filled chocolate eggs - genius. I'm telling you - world domination.

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  3. I hate chocolate. Yes, I am one of those freaks of nature who hates it but I do love me some other candy like laffy taffy. I also polished off a box of Nerds in like 5 minutes. Inhaled it as if it was oxygen.
    Cotton Candy is amazing. I want to be the cotton candy maker person. Just kidding. I don't. Have you seen the hot mess it makes. I love my hair thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least you aren't allergic to chocolate. I truly feel bad for those people. You are choosing not to eat it, which I respect, and I also approve of your other sugary preferences. Plus I laughed like a hyena at your comment about the cotton candy.

      Delete
  4. I know, right? Our families encouraged candy-binge holidays and now we have to pay the price.

    Boy, do I love Skor candy bars.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Candy-binge holidays are my favorite holidays.

      Delete
  5. Same here; my family all seem to have a thing for sweets. It used to bother me. Not any more...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If everyone's addicted to sugar, then nobody's addicted to sugar. That's how that works.

      Delete
  6. Lafty taffy is good and so is cotton candy but I usually only eat it when the fair rolls around. Great list have a great weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. Cotton candy is a seasonal sweet.

      Delete
  7. All these posts about candy! They're making my mouth water. I'm stopping at the store tonight for sure. Anyway, love Skor bars and red vines. I'm partial to the Twizzler pull-aparts, which I think I've commented countless times on today. And Laffy Taffy, yes! I like banana and rasberry and I twist them together and eat them. Yum!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like Twizzlers, too - especially the pull-aparts, and the little bites. I'm not sure if they're Twizzlers or not, but I like them best when they're hard as rocks.

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  8. We only have a couple in common. I love Reese's peanut butter ANYTHING but YES! to the Cadbury eggs!!

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    Replies
    1. I like Reese's peanut butter cups, but I will pretend like I don't know them when there's a Skor bar around.

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  9. I read your list and it reminded me that Malt Easter Eggs needed to be on my list--so I very quickly added them! Good list!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! The Robin Eggs are so much better than regular malted milk balls. Go ahead and try to ply me with Whoppers - I'll eat them, but turn on you in a heartbeat. ;)

      Delete
  10. The Cadbury Mini Eggs are my kryptonite. I love them SO much!! I have to walk past them quickly or risk eating every damn bag in the candy aisle on the spot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES. I eat them until I can't see straight. It's madness.

      Delete
  11. Those Cadbury Mini Eggs are heroin for chocolate addicts like myself.
    Also, those Russell Stover chocolate marshmallow bunnies.
    You can only find them in specific locales.
    Sneaky bunnies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Russell Stover, as a rule, is not my favorite chocolate maker. But put me in front of a large box of RS chocolates, and I know exactly what I'm gonna get: caramel first, then the toffee, then peanuts, marshmallow, and chocolate or vanilla creme. Never had the marshmallow bunnies. WHO AM I

      Delete