Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Fifteen Candles

A couple of weeks ago my husband was driving us home from some sporting event that one of my kids was involved in (don’t ask me who it was or what kind it was; after a while they all sort of morph in my brain into one giant SPORTS fusion) and I was on my phone poking around, as any ill-mannered auto passenger is wont to do1.

[“Wont to do” is one of those old-timey phrases that annoyingly pops into my head instead of a more modern wording of the same idea. Also see “champing at the bit2”.]

I feel I should mention that doing anything other than talking to the driver while you’re a passenger in a car is R-U-D-E rude. It’s right up there with sleeping, or insisting on turning up the radio when your favorite song comes on. By the way, I do both of these things, too.

Anyway, while I was being rude to my husband by ignoring him and surfing the internet waves instead, I spied a wonderful advertisement which announced that my favorite scented candles were on sale FOR ONE DAY ONLY for Less Than Half Of The Regular Retail Price!!! Soon after reading the ad, I watched a friend’s video featuring a shopping frenzy related to This Amazing Sale and at once I felt called to be a part of it.

And then I immediately complained to my husband that I was going to be missing the sale because we were trouncing around the countryside all day to watch kids play sportsball.

So I did the next logical thing: taking advantage of my misappropriated downtime, I shopped online.

“Limit of 15,” the website read. I sneered – how dare they limit my shopping power?!? – and promptly ordered 15 candles. That’s fifteen, with a ten and a five. Fifteen three-wick candles of dubious scent combinations. Would they compliment the natural aromas of my household? Would they please guests? Overpower nostrils? Leave perfume migraines in their wake? For 8-10 business days, we wouldn’t know. It didn’t matter. I got mine.

Fifteen candles ordered, three weeks before Christmas. I will argue that I got a screaming deal on these candles, because I can burn through two of them in a given week, an expensive habit. I will argue that because they were on sale I saved a ton of cash. I will argue that it’s Christmas, otherwise known as Treat Yo’ Self season.

But the truth is that I bought them because it was easy.

My fifteen candles came in a big heavy box yesterday, big enough to warrant having to create a storage spot in my house to accommodate it. As I stared at the box and wondered where the heck it would go, I mused that, ten years ago, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to buy fifteen candles at a pop. I would have been in the car, turning up the radio to sing along to Andy Williams on the Christmas station, or boring my family with a monologue about old-timey phrases that should be brought back into the lexicon, or sleeping. Ten years ago, it wouldn’t have been as easy to shop online while cruising at 70 mph, asking my fellow hapless travelers what they think a blend of cypress and vetiver smells like.

Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have been teaching my kids how to be a bad auto passenger as well as a spendthrift. I wouldn’t have been staring at a box as big as a microwave ten days later, trying to think where I would stash it. I wouldn’t have been kicking myself for spending all that extra money on stupid stuff like candles. For myself. At Christmas.

Fifteen candles is a lot of candles.  

1adj. accustomed; used (usually followed by an infinitive): He was wont to rise at dawn.
Also: an annoying habit.

2v. to betray impatience, as to begin some action.
Also: to be up someone’s butt with your needs.



  1. Send one to me! :-) Just kidding. Shipping to France is big bucks. Also, why is it champing at the bit and not chomping? It should be chomping since it's in their mouth.

    1. I think champing and chomping are interchangeable, and I like both of them equally. I'd love to send a candle (or three) to you, but I'm sure whatever the States have to offer pales in comparison to what France has to offer. Sigh.

  2. First off, I just NOW got that title. I can't believe it took me a day to "get" it.
    Second, I can't comment on my mobile devices because I am old and don't remember my passwords, so I had to wait until I got on my laptop. I am old, don't question it.
    Third, Bath and Body Works? Amiright? I saw that sale too and almost bought four candles. But you are BAD A#$.

  3. As they say about candles, Go Big or Go Home. I'm so glad someone asked about champing vs chomping. I am wont to say chomping but may need to branch out.

    1. I feel like if we start saying champing then the world will follow suit.

  4. I was reading a blog and it got me thinking about you and your blog. Then I worried I wasn't following your blog on Bloglovin' for some reason. Wow, I have used the word BLOG a lot in this comment. Anyhoo, I need you to start blogging again. Yours and Amy's blog up there are two of my all-time favorite blogs (said it again). You know in Pretty in Pink when Fiona says she didn't go to the prom? She checks her keys, she checks her cat or something like that but it's because she didn't go to prom that she always has this sense something is missing? That's your blog when you don't write.
    Also, can I write the prologue of your book someday?

    1. I miss my old habits of reading blogs and writing blog posts. Blogging. I say every year that I am going to get back into it, but the truth is I haven't been very good at following up with myself. What I really need is my 2014 mojo back, when the internet was still the wild west and I was finding my community.

      My favorite part in Pretty in Pink was how astonishingly ugly Molly Ringwald's dress was, but she didn't care and tore up prom like she was freakin' Vera Wang.