Saturday, October 15, 2011


Affixed to the Milk in my refrigerator is a coupon advertisement for Oreo cookies.  The text reads, “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.”  This worries me; it makes me uncertain about Milk’s future.  I can’t help but feel that Milk is going down a path of ruined reputation, hanging out with the kids from the wrong side of the tracks, being corrupted by delicious yet highly non-nutritious Oreo.

Milk has been in my family for a long time; in fact, it has been a part of my life since as long as I can remember.  Milk was the wholesome valedictorian of the senior class, president of every school club, editor of the school newspaper and winner of the Young Teen Sparkles Glitter Pageant Parade, and it suddenly started spending time under the bleachers with the pimpled detention junkies, cutting class to score beers and weed. 

Milk doesn’t need any bad press lately.  Once touted as sublimely healthy, it has fallen down in the ranks.  Health news tells me that after all those years of lovingly feeding it to our babies, Milk has been shown to be unnecessary in child development.  Additionally, Milk does nothing positive for our adult bodies and that it contains any number of poisons including pus, poop, hormones, and antibiotics. I didn’t give any of this much thought until Milk was found in my fridge aiding and abetting certain junk food punks.

Junk food has a bad reputation for being unhealthful and harmful anyway, so luring Milk into its web of lies means nothing more than collecting another minion to do its quiet yet deadly bidding.  I’m concerned for Milk’s public downward spiral. We enjoy its company on cereal, in baked goods, in creamy chowders, and as a crucial ingredient in White Russian cocktails.  I’m disappointed, and frankly, demoralized.  There doesn’t seem to be much I can do to stop the choices Milk has made.

I’m at an impasse.  I don’t know that I will be able to untangle myself from Milk.  I don’t want to.  I want to shake Milk and say, Milk, what’s up with this behavior?  I think you need an intervention.  If Milk doesn’t shape up, will I be strong enough to cut it from my life?

I think so.  Knowing that Milk may be adding pus to my diet is somewhat of a deal-breaker.  I only hope that Milk will see the error of its ways so that I can come back to it someday.  Until then, I will profess my love to Coffee with much the same passion that I once did to Milk.  I only hope that it can stay on the straight and narrow and not fall victim to similar temptations.


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