1.
Too many
questions. There is a direct
correlation between the number of questions I am asked and the speed of my
blood pressure. There is an inverse
correlation between the number of questions asked and the lightness of my
mood. This math lesson is brought to you
by a family full of quizmasters who fire daily endless questions at me
regarding the weather, the meaning of common words like “the” and “beneath,”
and exactly what I will be doing at 10:19 tonight.
2.
People who wait
to be served. I am not talking at a
restaurant or at a hotel, where service is something you pay for. I’m talking about life in general. In life, most people are capable of helping
themselves in almost every situation. If
you know where the glasses are kept, PLEASE HELP YOURSELF. Also, if you are hungry, for the love of Mike
and all his holy brothers, don’t wait for me to feed you. It’s like you’re daring me to allow you to
starve.
3.
The idea that
fat-free/low fat or low calorie food is always the healthy option. Um, ice cream sandwiches, even though they
promise less fat than your average pint of Haagen Das, are NOT healthy. Diet Coke is not healthy in any sense. I am not a nutritionist, just rational and
sane. Do ice cream sandwiches and Diet
Coke taste good? Yes. Chemicals are delicious, but they are not
healthy. Please don’t try to convince me
otherwise.
4.
Clamshell
packaging. I imagine a board meeting
with twelve suits circling a mahogany table, glasses of fresh ice water in
their hands, saying, “Let’s come up with packaging that has a hundred percent
success rate for serious laceration injuries, either by the packaging itself or
the invariably inappropriate tool that our customers will reach for when
slicing it open.” Then imagine me
walking in the door and dumping that ice water over all of their heads.
5.
Paying for
feminine hygiene products. That
stuff is expensive, people. And it is
NOT an option, like nail clippers, birth control, or even underarm
deodorant. I mean, really. I clip forty-seven coupons a month for this
crap. And don’t tell me anything about
Diva Cup, birth control pills, hysterectomy, or pregnancy. That stuff costs money, too. It’s just another way for the man to keep us
ladies down. My husband agrees, if only
to keep me from griping. What’s a girl
gotta do for free Tampax?
6.
When people
express delight or relief that some bad fortune didn’t happen to them. If I want to talk about something horrible in
the world, complain about something terrible that happened to me or something
that ticks me off, the last thing I want to hear is how you’ve never had that
experience, or how you’re so glad to be spared that particular injustice. So your life is perfect? Goody goody for you. Come over here and let me punch you right in
the neck.
7.
The word
“interesting” as a description. As
in, “I found that movie/book/family dynamic interesting”
or “That outfit is interesting” or
“Her taste in men is interesting.” What you’re saying is that it’s bad, you
hated it, you find it ridiculous, stupid.
If you don’t feel negative about it, don’t say that it’s
interesting. Say what you think
already. I find it interesting that you
can’t come up with another word to describe something you hate anything but
interesting.
8.
When people don’t
answer their phone, don’t call back, insist on texting only, or lie about not
getting the message. The art of
communication is rapidly dying, and it really wasn’t so great to begin
with. I realize that I am in the minority when I say that I am not an avid texter or call screener. I call back.
And if you have screened me because you feel I am not worth your time at
the very moment I call, then you are RUDE. And dealing with rude people makes me angry.
9.
The poor quality
of clothing. I am not hard on
clothing, yet garments will literally rip into shreds after washing according
to the instructions on the tags, shrink and discolor and lose shape after one
wearing, or fall apart after a short time.
It's frustrating. What is going
on here? Is the message that we are to
go around in the nude? If so, I clearly
need more time at the gym.
10. Life is Good. Those shirts.
The baseball caps. All with
little stick people emphasizing how much of Life is Good. Tell that to the people who have lost loved
ones in wars, in movie theaters, to that homeless guy who got his face eaten
off on the Miami freeway. Tell them that Life is Good. Every time I see one of those shirts, the
baseball caps, I feel it’s like these people are being spit at in the face. Or lack of, if you’re that homeless guy. Either way, Life is Good makes me indignant.
Don't make me wear my grumpy face. |
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