It always sounds like something that some clever person made
up who would never be friends with me.
You know, like That moment when you hear a familiar beat and then you finally recognize what song it
is. Or That moment when you know that
last shot of tequila was a bad idea OR That moment when you think to yourself, why did I just
say that?
I just Googled those, and who
can’t relate to any of them? Kids?
Anyway, I have read so many That Moment Whens that I started
thinking of life in terms of That Moment Whens.
Just in time for That Moment to be over.
Which incidentally, That moment when a 39-year-old at-home mom
from the suburbs starts getting into something cool is the exact moment when it stops being cool.
So I decided to write out my day as a series of That Moment
Whens because it always makes a person feel better to know that we all share
such similar experiences. I mean, that
is what That Moment Whens were created to do, yes?
That moment when you get so frustrated with your hair
straightener because you’ve spent the last ten minutes trying to straighten
your hair and you’re all I can’t believe this stupid thing stopped working
already, it’s only a few years old, jeez, they don’t make anything to last
anymore and you realize that the thing isn’t even plugged in and you realize
that only old people talk about when they remember when things were made better
than they are today.
That moment when you drop something that is going to be a
real pain to clean up and then it doesn’t make a mess and you’re so happy that
it didn’t make a mess but then you sadly realize that you just spent some extreme
happiness time on not having to clean up a mess.
That moment when you’re in yoga class and you remember that
you are wearing the yoga pants with the hole in them and you wish you would
have checked for more holes because obviously if there’s one hole there might
be another hole and you’re trying to remember what color underwear you have on
because at least if you have dark underwear on it won’t be as noticeable as if
you had white ones on and aw jeez now we are doing the happy baby position
which is really embarrassing and you remember when your kids were babies and how
they held onto their feet over their heads when they were being changed and how
cute they were and man I wish I was facing the other way because if someone
walks by the window there I will be and at least at the guy next to me is
facing the same way I am because I would hate for us to be facing each other
disgusting and it kind of stinks in here.
That moment when you buy your kids some more Easter candy
that nobody really needs least of all you because you spend the days after
Easter going through their Easter baskets eating all their candy and maybe you
should just go out and buy your own chocolate because it would be quicker than
sneaking a few Hershey’s kisses every day for a week so they think they are
eating them instead of you and then you find a Cadbury Creme Egg that you know
neither one of your kids will eat and you eat it right then and there because
you know that you bought it for yourself anyway even though they’re not really
your favorite but you can only get them at Easter and so it’s kind of like your
duty to buy and eat them, just like Peeps but Peeps are out for every holiday
now so they’re not really that special and besides that they are kind of gross.
That moment when you decide that you no longer care about
being cool and hip OR about having more space than your family can use because
you just want someplace to put your purse in the car when you’re driving
because every car has a stupid center console and aren’t there any female car
designers out there and you want a minivan again after not having one for four
years because they at least have a place to put your purse and then you go online
to shop for one and when you bring it up to your husband he makes you feel like
a huge nerd for wanting a minivan again but then you remember that most of your
husband’s clothing advertises the college he went to a hundred years ago so who
cares what he thinks.
That moment when you remember that you took twenty dollars
from your son’s piggy bank about a year ago so you put the money back but then
you realize that you need some change for a twenty so you take out four fives
then later you spend all your cash and you still owe your son twenty dollars
and you wonder when you will remember to put it back in and you say to yourself
who cares most of that money in that bank is money that I gave him anyway but
then you feel bad so you put an IOU in there to remind yourself the next time
you take money from his bank and then you think about what a deadbeat mom you
are not even bothering to pay back debts to your own child who didn’t even
realize that you took money from him and then you feel like a failed parent
because you have a kid who has so much money that he doesn’t even miss it when
you steal money from him.
That moment when you’re driving down the road from shopping
at Target and you’re kind of regretting all the money you spent there because
you just spent kind of a lot of money there the other day and then you
rationalize it by going over all the stuff you bought and it was all stuff you
needed anyway isn’t it always that you run out of everything at the same time
like toilet paper and napkins and stuff and then an old song comes on that you
really love and you try to remember the words and when you first heard it and then
you realize that you’re going twenty five miles an hour and that you’re totally
tailgating the car in front of you and you realize that person is probably slowing
down to teach you a lesson because sometimes you do the same thing so you feel
like you totally deserve it and then the person turns off into a driveway and
you think no way that person was trying to be a jerk because now I totally know
where they live and could get revenge on them for driving twenty five on the
road but since you’re not that kind of person you think wow they’re really
lucky that I’m not a road rager.
OK maybe That Moment Whens don’t really apply to me.