Or “She’s going
to give you trouble.” Or “It gets worse,” or “better,” depending on the snark
level of the adviser.
Wait for
what? The walls to cave in at the next temper
tantrum? My kid’s head to spin at the
next outburst? Blood to rain from the
heavens, animals to run for the hills, earth to quake and sky to part the next
time one of my children tests a limit?
What am I waiting for?
In
my mind I have seen the dark side taking hold of my children when I’m not looking, or even
worse, when I am. Will my
kids turn out to be drug addicts?
Murderers? Teen parents? Strippers and prostitutes and pimps? Gang bangers?
Rapists, arsonists, terrorists, or worse yet, politicians?
Whatever it is, I
can guarantee that I am not ready. I was
never ready to have children in the first place. I wasn’t ready to become pregnant either of
the times I became pregnant. I’m not
ready for them to grow up, to experience the things I did, for them to lose one
more shred of innocence.
Each day, the
sight of my twelve-year-old behemoth of a boy entering the room causes me to
stop in my tracks. He is so tall. When did that happen? My daughter, a whisper
before ten, resembles me so much that even I marvel at the similarity in photos. The verbal assaults they unleash on each
other and sometimes on me ring in my ears; I’ve heard those words before, about
thirty years ago, and my blood goes cold.
I remember the bad things I’ve done, all the arguing with my parents, the punishments I received. I was
not a terrible child, and yet my growing up years were littered with tension. This is going to happen here, too.
These kids have
caused me bouts of irrational fear, inordinate amounts of sleeplessness, too
many heartbreaks to count, tears, anger, nights of drunkenness, confusion, frustration,
sadness, exhaustion, and more than a few gray hairs. What else am I waiting
for?
Parenting is
hard, y’all. I don’t need people telling
me to just wait for more. I know it’s
coming. I’m not ready, and I’m scared. I’ve had twelve years of practice, and it is
not enough.
Still.
Bring it.
*******
I hear you. I'm never really sure if those other-parent conversations are supposed to make me feel better or worse. Am I supposed to be comforted or scared by these words of wisdom? Some days I am glad to see how clearly others are right there in the trenches with us. But other days? Not so much.
ReplyDeleteWhatever those conversations are supposed to make me feel, always make me feel worse. My reaction is to say "Shut UP." The reality is that I nod, smile, and thank the doomsday deliverer for bringing me up to speed on the future of my sad, frightening life.
DeleteAren't there any positive people in the world?
This is perfect, photo and all.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I love that phrase, but I always feel like a huge nerd when saying it. Which, not surprisingly, doesn't make me say it any less often.
Delete2015831dongdong
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