Wednesday, July 31, 2013

This Recipe Will Knock Your Buns Off

You don’t have to be an internet genius to know that people like food.  But when you’re in the mood for something scrumptious, online really is the place to go.  Pinterest literally has zillions of recipes for delicious foods that one person has made and that no one else can reproduce.  Your Facebook friends probably post so many recipes for cheesy broccoli/potato/cauliflower/carrot casserole that you could make one every day for five years and never have a repeat.  It’s recipe madness out there, people.  Get into it.

I’d like to share a tasty treat I’ve been feeding my family lately.  I have perfected it, and maybe with few mishaps, you can too!  You don't have to be a gourmet chef to make it, either.  Believe me.  BELIEVE.

Here we go:

Outrageous Hot Dog Bun Garlic Toast

You will need:
An adorable assistant to help.
Cooking's hard, ya'll.

Hot dog buns, any quantity.  Thaw out the ones that have been sitting in your freezer since that one time you overbought for a picnic.  You need the space, and in a few months those buns will develop the taste of freezer burn, and freezer burn is totally gross.  

Garlic salt, or a combination of garlic powder and regular salt, if you ran out of garlic salt from the time you attempted to make spaghetti sauce from scratch.  The kitchen is no place to be rigid.

Butter.  Or margarine, or even Olivio, which OMG tastes just like margarine.

Green sprinkles.  You know – parsley, Italian seasoning, oregano.  The kind that come in a jar.  Stop trying to be fancy, Fancy.

Parmesan cheese.  Again, in a jar.  You buy it in the spaghetti sauce aisle.  Hey, Queen Elizabeth.  You’re making garlic toast using HOT DOG BUNS.  Get off your throne and join reality.  While you're at it, get me a glass of wine from that box over there.

Shredded mozzarella cheese.  From a bag.  If you say anything about fresh mozzarella we are no longer friends.

Yep, that's all the butter we have.
But don't worry; we also have Olivio.

That’s it, mmkay?  So you’ve got your ingredients.  Next, here’s what you do:

Open up the hot dog buns.  If you’re lucky you will have the good potato rolls that are pre-sliced so you don’t have to dirty a knife.  If you’ve bought unsliced hot dog buns from the bakery, go get your probably gold-encrusted serrated-edge bread knife to slice them.  Who are you - Beyonce?  I’m rolling my eyes as I wait for you to cut your chichi buns.  Hurry up; you’re taking too long!  Spread the insides with butter or butter substitute using a knife or the back of a spoon.  If you want to lick the excess off, do it.  This isn’t Top Chef, people – there's no judging.

Open the buns!
Butter the buns!

Sprinkle the buttered insides with the garlic salt, then the green sprinkles that you’ve picked out.  Use a light sprinkle – nobody likes too much dried seasoning, and these spices will not have enough cooking time for their flavors to open up and meld together.  I love the world meld – it’s like melt and weld, which is exactly how I picture the process happening.


Sprinkle with parmesan cheese, and then a light coat of shredded mozzarella.  Take a pinch for yourself because shredded cheese out of the bag is the diggity.


*Note: You can sweep any extra cheese and sprinkles off the counter to use as additional topping for the buns.  Your counters are clean, right?  Oh well.  Do it anyway.  No one will notice the crumbs from the four Mint Milano cookies you stuffed in your face this morning.

Ready for toasting!

Place the buns on a cookie sheet lined with foil so you don’t have to wash it later, fool!  If you’re only making one or two buns, you can just fold up a piece of foil into a little foil plate and place the bun on top of this.  Make sure your foil is flat so it doesn’t catch your oven, then your hair, then your kitchen, on fire. Insurance doesn’t cover stupidity.  Oh, it does?  My bad.

Foil is also useful when making Halloween costumes.
Anyone can be a robot!  Crafty!

Pop those bad boys in the oven on the highest rack under the broiler set to HI.  Not LO, unless you like waiting for your food, which is for jerks.

Don't be a jerk.  Turn that sucker on HI.


Now, the most important part.  Watch those buns like you did Channing Tatum’s in that one part on Magic Mike.  You know the one I mean.  Do not take your eyes off these buns for anything.  I don’t care if your older child locked your younger one in the toy box again.  Ignore the pleas for help.  The second you take your eyes away from those buns, they will burn up and you will have to start over and you will hate yourself for being such a slacker.  It will take under 5 minutes for the cheese to melt and the edges to brown.  Your child can stand a confined space for 5 minutes, for goodness' sake.  She probably won't even remember, but you will when you have to repeat this whole process because you failed to watch the buns like I told you.  Take them out!  TAKE THEM OUT!

A meal made for a princess.
A sneaky princess who pours herself large glasses of Diet Pepsi
while her mother takes pictures of 
her lunch for blog posts.

Enjoy.  Your labor was worth it, and look – only three more packages of hot dog buns to use up.

Really?  Three MORE packages?
My stomach hurts.


  1. It was your snappy assistant that sold me...lunch anyone?

    1. She was good for the buttering and cheesing and soda pouring, but not for the sprinkling. She thought that step was best left to the professionals. A word to the wise.

  2. Replies
    1. Thank you! It's not triple coconut muffins, but I'm working myself up to it.

  3. This is the most realistically written (and hilarious) recipe I've ever read. I think I've laughed enough to burn off all the delicious calories!

    1. Thank you. :) I think laughing should accompany eating at all times. Except if you snort drinks through your nose. Not funny.

  4. Fantastic and oh so true - love it! I knew I liked you...I eat cheese melted on whatever bread is left around the house all the time. Really. All. The. Time.

    Your assistant is the bomb - and tell her I would've sneaked the Diet Pepsi, too. :)

    1. I will tell her that - thank you. And a praise coming from a cuisine expert like yourself goes a long way for me, who tends to make a lot of food like the kind I've described here. :)

  5. Funniest recipe ever! I absolutely have a pack of hot dog buns in my freezer right now...and I always have green sprinkles in the cabinet...hmmm.

    1. DO IT! You won't be disappointed. Be sure to follow the "watch the buns" part exactly as outlined above. We've eaten a lot of blackened garlic toast because I failed to heed my own instructions. Good luck!