It was Thursday, otherwise known as the day we wash the bed
linens. Ha ha, just kidding. It was totally a
wait-a-minute-I-think-it’s-been-several-weeks-since-I-washed-the-sheets kind of
day. Quickly, I called out to enlist
some help.
“Okay, guys, I’m doing sheets today. Take the sheets off of your beds and throw
them in the laundry area so I can wash them.”
“Okay, Mom,” yells my daughter, the agreeable child, the one
who never hides when she hears my voice take on that tone that suggests I’m
about to ask for something other than a response to “Who wants ice cream?”
“Do you want the thin pink fluffy thing?”
“Do you mean the blanket?”
“Yes. Do you want the blanket?”
“No. Just the sheets and your pillowcases.”
“Do you want the big fluffy thing?”
“What?”
“The big fluffy thing on top of my bed.”
“Do you mean the comforter?” I make a mental note to work on
vocabulary with my daughter before the school year starts in the fall.
"Yeah. The comfo'ter."
“No. Just the sheets.
The pink sheets. The fitted sheet
with the elastic around it that you sleep on, the flat sheet that you cover
with, and your two pillowcases.”
There. That should do it.
“Okay.”
I go into my room to strip my bed. A minute later, I see her sheets on the floor
in front of the washer, plus the mattress pad.
My shoulders slump. Any other
laundress worth her weight in dryer sheets would shrug and take this as an
opportunity to wash the mattress pad along with the other bed linens. But since I am a slight OCD mother with a teach-‘em-at-every-opportunity
mentality, I called my daughter over to explain to her – again – the various
pieces of a bed’s make-up, and to gently admonish her for not listening.
Being overlooked is one of the most annoying daily issues
that people face. We all want to be seen
and heard and ultimately understood.
This makes us see worth in ourselves, allows us to feel loved and
respected. It helps us get up in the
morning,
It’s bad enough when strangers don’t acknowledge us, but
when our loved ones ignore us, it’s enough to send the most confident person spinning
into a “what’s wrong with me?” pity party.
My husband has this habit that I find mildly problematic –
he asks for confirmation when speaking.
His use of the question “Right?” after a statement has irritated me to
the point at which I respond “I don’t know, you’re telling the story” almost
every time. After regaling me with a
tale from the office after a particularly dramatic day of work, he punctuated
his point with “Right?” after which I gave him my usual “I don’t know, jeez,
man, get to the punchline already.”
Exasperated, he sputtered, “Well, you never respond! I never know if you’re listening, or
not! If you would give me a nod, an
‘uh-huh,’ ANYTHING, then I wouldn’t have to ask for your agreement after every
sentence!”
His complaint stung.
For years I harped on his lack of response when I wanted to talk; now I
was doing the same to him? I couldn’t
believe that I had fallen so far from perfection in our relationship; surely
his habits were rubbing off on me?
Not likely. I am not
a good listener. The details of life,
the names of faces I met once, the birthdays and anniversaries that my friends
and families celebrate, the family deaths that have occurred, sick relatives
and friends, upcoming surgeries, all those things go in and out of my brain
because I’m not really listening. I have
failed to find important the things that others do, because when my friend
talks about her sick mother I’m thinking about how I love her shirt, or when my
husband tells me about his next work trip, I’m thinking about a second glass of
wine.
I’ve failed to understand them.
I’m a believer in the Golden Rule, the “treat others as you
want to be treated” saying that everyone learns when they are small. It is so simple, yet we fall so short of it
each day. Our selfish world allows for
seven billion individual worlds, each one of us being concerned with only
ourselves. The message is clear: if you
want to be listened to and understood, then you must listen to and understand
others. It might mean that you ask
someone to repeat themselves. It might
mean that you make the extra effort to reach out to another if it’s not your
natural impulse. Introverted people may
have to try extra hard to find interest in others. Extroverts may have to exercise more effort
into focusing and to keep from being distracted.
Whichever way you turn, we all have to try harder to look at
the person who is talking to us, listen to what they have to say, and understand
what they are saying and where they are coming from. We can do this with our children and spouses,
friends and family members and strangers alike.
We all reap the benefits of listening better and understanding each
other. The favor will be returned to us.
Even if it is just that your ten-year-old now knows the
difference between a sheet and a mattress pad.
A win is a win.
*******
Sorry - were you saying something ...?
ReplyDeleteOkay I'm cracking myself up here, hoping that I cracked you up too. I hear you. Listening is important. I'm better at it with my friends than I am with my kids.
You always make me crack up. :)
DeleteI am terrible at it with everyone, which is terrible.
You are so sensible.
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of only half-listening sometimes when my husband talks, and for all those times, I feel bad now. Promise, listening ears 100% next time.
My eyes glaze over when my husband talks about work, which is just awful. And when my kids talk they go long, so that is always an issue with me. But the worst is when a friend tells me something important that they have coming up or did and I totally forget about it because I just wasn't listening. Agh.
Deletea) i'm glad you clarified that you don't really wash the sheets every week, cuz I was feeling bad about my sheet-washing habits
ReplyDeleteb) i honestly don't think i've ever washed a mattress pad. am I supposed to?!
c) you're hilarious
d) i like that you are looking out for your daughter to help her break (or just not develop) bad habits you see in your self. i will remember this as my son grows up!
a) I totally don't wash sheets every week. I like to think I'm a better housekeeper than that, but I'm not.
Deleteb) YES! You're supposed to wash them. Unless you use rubber sheets; then you're good.
c) thank you :)
d) It's really my main mission in life, to raise better people than me.
I was going to have to stop liking you if it was true that you wash sheets every week. Or mattress pads ever.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though? I am so not the best listener. I want to be. I really do. But sometimes, my ADHD gets the better of me and I just...can't. And those days are the most frustrating, especially when I'm really and truly trying and it isn't working.
But sometimes I'm really just more interested in the other person's shirt than the story. Guilty.
To Mo, by the way...washing mattress pads is overrated.