Alerting the Authorities

Um, hello, is this the police station?

Why yes, ma’am.  Yes it is.  What seems to be the trouble?

Well, no trouble.  No trouble at all, really.  Though I am alarmed.

Well, I can send an officer out your way if you want to make a statement.  Can you explain why you’re alarmed?

There’s this banana plant.  In my kitchen.  It’s… it’s getting pretty big.  Alarmingly big.  I’m frightened.  Have you seen Jumanji?

Uh, ma’am.  Did you say banana plant?

Yes.  Banana plant.  I have one, and it’s taking over.  My kitchen, that is.  It gets a new leaf each week.  The water from its leaves dripped on the tile and ate the finish off in spots.  [whispers] I think it’s trying to kill us.

(Long pause)  Ma’am, have you been taking drugs?

No.

Alcohol?

No.

Pills?

Now, sir, really.  I’m afraid for my life, and you’re asking about my personal habits?

Ma’am, we don’t act on calls regarding distress about a banana plant growing too large for a kitchen.  Our people have work to do.  If you keep this up we will flag your number for false alarms.  Is that what you want?

No, I do not.  I’m still alarmed, though.

Then put the plant in another room.  Or take it outside.  Then it will be out of your way.

But, sir!  It is a tropical plant.  It will die in the cold.  I brought it in so it would survive the winter.  In the summer we plant it in the yard and it is glorious.

Then I don’t know what to tell you.  Summer is only a few months away.  You’ll just have to hang on until then.

Yes.  Yes, I guess you’re right.  Thank you, sir.

You’re welcome, ma’am.  In the meantime, please keep in mind that the police line is for emergencies only.  Not for complaints about rogue houseplants.

(chuckling)  Okay.  I’ll keep that in mind.  Goodbye.

Have a nice day, ma'am.  [click]

The plot thickens.