Onward

When you’re a kid, the question isn’t “What is your goal in life?”  but “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

The possibilities left me with stars in my eyes. 

What did I want to be?  What didn’t I want to be?

Early on, I wanted to be two things: a dentist and a bus driver.

Naturally, I wanted to be a dentist, because: TEETH.  And a bus driver, because: the freedom of the open road, twenty tons of steel hurtling me toward the next adventure with fifty of my closest friends.

At six I was a wanderer, a free spirit.  With great teeth.

Later, my goal was to be a dancer, a farmer, a teacher, an actor, a secretary, a horsewoman, a florist, and Julie from the Love Boat.  I envisioned myself in a gauzy mint-green pleated dress, ash-blond hair perfectly curled away from my glowing complexion and glossy pink lips. Permission to come aboard, Captain?

I loved Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence, wanted to be involved in their hilarious back and forths, trying not to giggle.  My goal was to make people laugh, move them to tears, dance and sing like a modern Judy Garland and eat lunch on the studio lot.

I lamented the day I realized that we lived too far away from any big city to realistically have a career on the stage or screen.  I took modeling classes and learned how to apply makeup and I cut out pictures from magazines of clothing I thought was terribly fashionable and listened carefully as the charm school instructors insisted that these were not examples of high fashion but were instead one-off trends, sure to be absent next year.  I didn’t understand but perfected lining my eyes and feathering my hair away from my face instead.  I never once wondered why my hairstyle wasn’t featured in any of the fashion magazines.

I heard them tell my mother that I needed another 20 weeks of classes and what it would cost, and I got new goals.

In high school I loved art and failed math, and was crushed to find out that I had no talent for art after all.  I took an aptitude test that said I should be an artist.  I chose to go to college in a beautiful climate and majored in Undecided.

My third year of college began with an advisor advising me to decide.  I settled on psychology because it was interesting without seeming difficult, despite receiving average grades in the one psych class I took.  I discovered a love for testing psychological theories, not so much for hearing people talk about their problems.

Along the way to a new goal of pursuing an academic career,  I found a world outside university libraries and labs.  Raucous friendships and courtship and a planned life together that included corporate jobs and home ownership soon replaced animated discussions about the insanity of Freud and the real-life personality studies found within college psych departments. 

With a new goal in front of me, I said goodbye to academia and hello to domesticity, child-rearing, coupon clipping, and vacationing with babies.  First days of school followed, as did dance recitals and Little League and deaths and births of loved ones and new friends who are more like family every day.  

I've found a wonderful life that promises much more than I ever thought it would.

I never became a dentist, though I’ve pulled teeth.  I never drove a bus either, though I’ve carted around plenty of kids to youth group.  I am a model when my daughter watches me apply mascara and nods approvingly at my outfit before a night out, and I’ve decorated the walls of our house over and over – I dare you to say I’m no artist.  I’ve counseled friends in hard times, quietly listened to my teenager until he says what’s on his mind, and made people laugh and cry.  I even find myself between two funny ladies as they riff and zing off of each other every Girl’s Night Out.

I’ve made other goals since growing up, and I found meaning, growth and new adventures on my way to reaching them.  I’ve learned that any goals I make can be attained within this life and not a separate one that I have to construct to hold them.  This life can contain it all.

Even if the goals change and adapt as much as I do.

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This post inspired by:

Mama Kat's Writing Workshop

Prompt #1: Have you ever felt that life was getting in the way of a big goal?  Did you end up giving up or pressing forward?