You know we’re cat-sitting, right?
Well, we are.
My parents’ cat has been here since December 20. That’s 53 days we've had him, but who’s counting? He’ll be here for at least 60 more, or
eternity, whichever is longer. He’s been
here before. You can read all about his previous visits here and here.
I don't really believe in keeping pets, but as far as cats go, he’s okay. He’s pretty, but sort of a jerk, like most
cats. He creeps behind the TV and lies
on the kitchen table and eats the tender leaves of my indoor palm but he doesn’t
pee in my houseplants – yet. He hasn’t
pushed anything breakable off a shelf – yet.
He doesn’t try to escape to the outside, either, which is so annoying –
yet.
I say yet because cats are sociopaths and they always
have some new trick up their furry little sleeves.
But like I said, he’s okay. He sleeps all day and stays out of my way and
enjoys a good rubdown except when he’s done with you and you better pull your
hand back quick because he’ll bite the crap out of it. He enjoys meeting us at the door and treats
us to a show of rolling around on the floor like a small hairy crocodile. He knows his name and comes when you call him
and keeps us entertained by doing that funny cat thing where he looks like he’s
trying to be so cool and aloof and then he falls off the table and we point at him
and laugh.
He doesn’t scratch at the door or claw at the
furniture or spray on the walls or drag in partially eaten mice or birds.
And most importantly, he doesn’t mind getting a
bath.
This is important because cats are dirty, filthy
animals.
“But cats are constantly cleaning themselves,”
you say. “They are clean. They keep themselves clean. They are always grooming their bodies.”
I hear what you're saying. So let
me break it down for you.
Cats lick themselves using their own tongues,
tongues that rest in a mouth that is never cleaned. Mouths that hold teeth that have never been
brushed. And if my son is to be
believed, the breath is shocking.
Cats lick themselves all over with this
tongue. Each cat has the ability and the predilection to lick his own anus. It sounds unbelievably disgusting, but it’s
true. All you can do when it happens is
look on in horror.
And then a cat will oh, I don’t know, lick his
paw and drag it over his face.
A cat will lick his paws that he uses to dig little holes
in the dirt in his toilet box to poop and pee into, and will use those very
same paws to cover the excrement he just made.
Then he will come out, meow loudly to announce his accomplishment, and walk
through your house, leaving little bits of litter and I can only imagine what
else and try to take up residence on your kitchen table to lick his anus and paws.
More than once this sentence has been uttered
in our house: “Ugh, his paws smell like urine.”
I don’t why a person would put himself in a position to obtain this
information.
There is no hand-washing education for
cats. He doesn’t stand at the sink and
sing the happy birthday song while he lathers up with warm water and plenty of antibacterial
soap.
It’s gag-inducing, the filthiness of cats. And this filthiness is all over our
home.
That’s why I appreciate that he doesn’t mind a
bath once in a while, that when I open the door to the bathroom and the kids
are screeching and FaceTiming with friends and the cat is standing calmly and
only a little pathetically shoulder-deep in warm water while they rinse him off
with a red solo cup and then break out the hair dryer to fluff him up and afterwards
he smells like Dove Men’s Aqua shampoo because he’s a male cat and males need
their own products because who knows what voodoo results from men using the
same shampoo as women?
I relax, because for a moment, the cat is
clean. Only for a moment, but I’ll take
it.
Sixty more days. Or eternity, whichever is longer.
*******
I don't even know what to say. Except... Did you know he didn't mind baths when he came to your house? Or did you risk your eyeballs to find out?
ReplyDeleteI only knew that he gets regular baths at home, so he's used to it. He doesn't mind getting wet, as evidenced by the good time he has splashing in the toilets and at any running faucet. And two years ago when I got him shaved, the groomer told me that he didn't mind any of it. Plus he has no front claws, so that helps.
DeleteI have never thought about the cleanliness of cats to this extent. (And, to be honest, I'm kind of glad that I didn't before. Because eeeeew.) Also, I think it is amazing that he doesn't mind getting a bath. Our cat loved faucets and standing water, but he was outta there once things started getting too soggy. He did fall into the tub once, though. It was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteWhen cats fall it is hilarious. Ours fell off the couch today and I laughed like he just said the funniest joke ever. Which would also be hilarious.
DeleteA cat that likes a bath??
ReplyDeleteHe is something special alright.
Although I really think you need to dress him up and give him a banana.
Then send the picture to your parents.
See if they will ask you to cat sit ever again.
Making fools out of cats is the best thing ever, because they always act like they are trying to be serious which only makes the foolishness funnier.
DeleteBasically cats are the Will Farrell of the animal world.
Aww I like Dylan. He is my company when I am painting. I do agree though that he is nasty sometimes when playing. I think your dad teaches him bad habits lol!
ReplyDeleteHe really does. When he is at our house we try very hard to reprogram him to be nicer. He is a little snarky.
Delete