Clearly I Have a Problem

Easter is almost here, you guys. 

You know, the second-best candy holiday, after Halloween.

I grew up a candy-holic, like most of my family members. We get our sweet teeth directly from the elder members, who encouraged candy consumption at any time and without limits. We could count on bowls full of sugar being proffered on the regular. Rarely a family gathering ends without the mauling of a Costco-sized bag of candy by children and adults alike.

And all the dentists shouted AMEN.

This sort of upbringing lends itself to intense sugar cravings, because anyone who’s anyone knows that sugar is a bad, bad, man for addictive types. 

It also lends itself to a person knowing exactly what she likes when it comes to candy.

I am generally a non-discriminatory candy eater. I will eat a half-dozen jelly orange slices just as blissfully as I would savor a small piece of the finest Swiss chocolate. But I do have some favorites, candies that I regularly snag at the gas station, scoop in bulk at the grocery store, and hide from my grabby sugar-addled monster children.

Here are just ten of my favorites:

1.  Red Vines. You can buy giant bags of Red Vines in short lengths as well as movie-sized boxes in longer lengths, but these are a rip-off. Purchasing ten long plasticky red-flavored snacks for a dollar when you can get 48 ounces of short ones for three bucks is not a sound financial decision. They will hurt your teeth and your stomach the same after eating four in a row, but oh, the satisfying chew of these questionable treats. Are they strawberry? Cherry? I don’t even care.

2. Skor. If you don’t bite into the waxy chocolate top just hard enough to break the chocolate but not the toffee, and then slide the chocolate off carefully with your top teeth, eating the chocolate first and then the toffee, then don't come around here anymore until you learn how to act.

3. Butterfinger. I love Butterfingers so much that I don’t even mind that they stick to my teeth for hours afterwards. I almost can’t talk about them, I love them so. They’re chocolate and some sort of peanut buttery layered delicious crunchy stuff. My kids don’t share them at Halloween and this is the number one reason why I regret having children.

4. Cotton Candy. One of the best parts of summer, because it’s everywhere. I will mow down a linebacker for a fresh cone of cotton candy. I’m not sharing get your own.

5. Cadbury Mini-Eggs. Guess what, Rodney? They make these in dark, white, and milk chocolate flavors now. This genius decision by the Cadbury Mini-Egg people leads me to believe that they probably have a pretty solid world domination scheme in the works.

6. Good & Plenty. My favorite bulk buy. Scoff if you want at my love for this sweet and black licorice treat, but the fact that you think G&Ps are the worst guarantees that there will be more for me. That’s how that works, losers.

7. Pretzel M&Ms. I haven’t eaten these in years, because for a while I was buying the Big Bag once a week and consuming the whole thing all by myself. I quit them cold turkey and dream about them every single day, but I’m not safe with them around.

8. Laffy Taffy. I craved grape Laffy Taffy when I was pregnant, and ate it like it was candy. I’m not altogether sure what it is, but I still love it more than you love your middle child. I also ate a can of Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder like it was my last meal every day when I was pregnant, so make your own conclusions about the quality of my pregnancy cravings.

9. Bit-O-Honey. This is a nostalgic one – my grandparents always had a bowl of BOHs in their dining room. They were hard as rocks, and we’d eat them one after another, testing our fillings and scattering the red and yellow wax wrappers all over. Then we’d climb the walls and Grandma would offer us donuts and root beer.

10. Chocolate-covered pomegranates. Currently plowing through an industrial-sized bag of these myself, because no one else in my house likes them. They make me feel fancy because they come in a fancy package, but everyone knows that they’re just chocolate covered fruit snacks, which hello, kids’ fruit snack companies, you really missed the boat on this one.

I didn’t even begin to cover my love for the chocolate-caramel-nougat-nut combinations in every candy bar on the market. It’s criminal, and maybe even a little bit sick.

My stomach hurts.

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This post inspired by:

Mama Kat's Writing Workshop

Prompt #1: List your top ten favorite candies.