Public speaking just isn’t my
thing.
Now, I know what you’re going to
say – there’s a support group for that. Or – practice makes perfect, you just
have to do it more in order to get better! Or – me either, I’m introverted,
dadgummit! I hear your eyes rolling.
Sidebar: introversion as a special
problem is over. The entire internet is for introverts. It’s not so special.
Let’s find something else to discuss.
Anyway, about public speaking: I’m
no stranger to it. I’ve had to present information to groups, make speeches, give
instructions to a crowd, pray, teach classes, and even act in a play before,
and every time it’s just a disaster. I panicked and stuttered during my own wedding
vows. Sometimes I’ll even go blank in conversations when I notice that someone
is really listening to what I am saying.
When speaking publicly, I sometimes
feel nauseated, experience heart palpitations, sweat profusely, and have
ringing in my ears, among other pleasant symptoms. Later, I’ll replay the
scenario over and over and cry into my pillow because of my cringeworthy uselessness.
For many years I’d balk at
speaking in public when asked, and turn people down easily and graciously. It’s
just a train wreck, I’d explain ever so nicely. You don’t want me up there. My
incompetence will distract from the real message. I’m not your girl.
But then after a while, I noticed
that people don’t care how stupid I am in public. I am my
own worst enemy; most people don’t notice that I’m ridiculous, and if they
do, they're either too embarrassed for me to mention it or else I’m making them feel better about their own inflated yet unquestionably mediocre
ability to kill it onstage.
And I also realized that if I
speak from the heart, and don’t worry so much about how I’m perceived – even if
half the room thinks I’m terrible – who cares? Most people are too polite or don't care enough to tell a person that they stunk up the room, and by the way, I’m not accepting a Nobel
prize, and most of the world doesn’t hear those speeches anyway because the
people who win those prizes are a bunch of nerds.
JUST KIDDING NOBEL PRIZE WINNERS.
Jeez, sensitive much?
So, with that in mind, I’m totally
taking public speaking offers. Yes, you heard that right. For an exorbitant fee,
of course. I still get the nervous sweats, and I’m not dealing with that for
free.
So if you want someone to mess up
your event with a lackluster and possibly embarrassing address (because not
only do I tend to freeze up, but I may also swear and/or share inappropriately), I’m your girl.
If you need someone around to fill
the seat at the table for someone who says wildly inappropriate things that
distract everybody from real life, so that they go home and wonder “how drunk was she?” instead of lamenting their own poor
choices, I’m there.
If you need someone to stand in
front of a crowd and make them feel better about every single vulnerability
they own because she is up there making a nincompoop of herself by forgetting what
planet she hails from, call me.
Because I SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
Sure, sometimes my heart says
weird and improper things, blanks on common words and phrases, forgets how to
pronounce my own name, and drops whole storylines and directions of
conversation, but hey, it’s my heart talking. I dare you to tell me my heart is
wrong.
Seriously. I’m available.
*******
This post inspired by:
Mama Kat's Writing Workshop
Prompt #4: Write a
blog post inspired by the word: heart.
You are a brave lady. I know exactly what you mean about public speaking. I thought as I got older and wiser I'd only be more comfortable with it, but that is just NOT the case! Without the internet I'd be lost. And I'll keep you in mind if I ever need to get out of speaking or I want to watch someone else mess up my event. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou described me to a t! I'm so at home on the internet for all these exact reasons. I love your humor <3
ReplyDeleteThe nervousness goes away, you just learn to use it to your advantage. Good luck with the speaking business.
ReplyDeleteNEVER goes away. Duh.
DeleteI love this! When you speak from your heart you speak to mine! So funny.
ReplyDeleteAfter a number of speaking engagements I realized it just isn't for me. I can't do it. It's not worth the weeks of anxiety leading up to the event and while I can speak from the heart, it doesn't come out in complete sentences. I would gladly pay YOU to speak for me at any upcoming events!
ReplyDelete